Episode: “Playing Ketchup”

I wolf down a cheeseburger deluxe and fries in a diner at 2 a.m., leaving only a goopy mass of ketchup on the plate. I command the waitress to doggy-bag it. She refuses, and proceeds to wonder aloud how life has led her to serving greasy food to “fat, drunk losers” like me at 3 a.m. Seeing the opportunity to push her buttons (for the sake of good TV), I point out that it’s actually only 2 a.m. and that my ketchup still isn’t packed up. She storms off. I pick up the ketchup-smeared plate, smash it on the floor, and yell, “If I can’t take home this ketchup, then no one will have it!” As I am escorted out by the busboy, I say, “See that camera? You’ve been dished!”

Episode: “Crash Course”

I visit a Porsche dealership and contract to buy a brand-new 911 Turbo on the spot. My seeming nonchalance about dropping six figures on a car without even test-driving it has the entire staff scrambling to meet my every demand. When it’s time to choose the car’s color, I chew a purple jellybean, then pop a yellow one in my mouth. Rick, the salesman, sits patiently as I chew for another 20 seconds until the jellybeans are sufficiently combined. I grab Rick’s hand and spit the jellybean mixture into his palm. “See that color?” I say. “Match the Porsche to that color.” I fill out the paperwork using the identity of someone else (see Episode: “Mail Fraud Mayhem”). I pick up the Porsche one month later and immediately drive it through the dealership window, because I can’t drive stick. I total the car and inflict serious damage on two other floor models. As I’m handcuffed for DWI and sundry other charges, I yell, “See that camera? You’ve been gassed!”

Episode: “Nuts”

I choose one of the busiest days of the week to visit my local supermarket. I grab a can of mixed nuts, the one that says “Less than 50% Peanuts” and proceed to the longest line. I ask to go ahead of everyone, since I have just a single can of nuts. They are gracious enough to let me go to the front. I tell the cashier that the claim of “Less than 50% Peanuts” is true less than 15% of the time. (I made this statistic up, but she seems to buy it, because she smiles and nods.) I dump the entire contents of the can onto the conveyor belt and tell her to count each type of nut and separate them by type. I tell her that if there is, in fact, a peanut majority, then I will “lose my shit.” I am struck with a blunt object (frozen pork loin?) on the back of my head. Waking up on my couch at home, I realize that I never got to say, “See that camera? You’ve been nutted!”

Episode: “Waterfalls”

At a fancy-schmancy restaurant with my now ex-wife and her now ex-boss, the waiter asks us what water we’d care to enjoy. The Bosstard, as I like to call him, smugly chooses a Finnish bottled water that he claims is his favorite. I cackle wildly at his order, then slowly work my way up to a murderous rage. As I lean over, centimeters from his face, he asks me what my problem is. I tell him that only an uninformed asshole would choose his water before knowing what food will be eaten with it. I fling my amuse-bouche onto his lap. As he readies himself to retaliate, I say, “See that camera? You’ve been brunoised!” With sadness and frustration, my wife shakes her head and says, “Frank, there aren’t any cameras. There are never any cameras.”