Of all the important events in your life, asking another human being to join you on the leaky raft of tenuous existence that you have eked out—a raft which will lead only into the maelstrom of death—has got to be the most stressful, the most joyful, and the most metabolically unwise. Scientists have shown that proposing, as a “performative act of language,” burns as many as 50,000 calories in one sitting. Let that soak in for a second. How does that strike you? 50,000 calories = 22 lbs. of steak, my friend. Is your love worth that much meat?
Now, would you go into a meeting at work facing Old Man Murphy gnawing on one of his fine Cubans as you give your presentation, with only your scant wits to defend yourself? Of course not. Look at you: you’ve got your polo shirt buttoned-up all the way and tucked into your Dockers as tight as a hospital bedspread. Plus your beard is dripping off your face like some sort of exotic mucilage. You get out of breath mowing the lawn. How do you expect to ask a gorgeous woman to marry you if you can’t even passably regulate your own fleshy heart-cage?
That’s where we come in. After 25 years of experience in professional fundraising and achieving results of unparalleled success, we felt it was time to switch it up a little bit. Why limit our knowledge to the realm of the mendicant, when we can help the haplessly un-romantic of the world: the guy with the huge eyebrows who delivers our water jugs, the Hot-Pocket addicted, the Leonards of this country. We found that there was quite a large overlap between the skills required to solicit large sums of money and the persuasiveness needed to convince someone to voluntarily pledge their undying love right to your naked, sweaty visage.
We offer two services: scripts and proxies. For the former, we have an extensive library to choose from, according to your needs and the demographic characteristics of the “mark.” Here is an example, taken from the Much Older Lady collection:
You: [name], we’ve been together for a long time. And I know you don’t have much time left, so I was wondering (HERE IS WHERE YOU EMIT A HIGH-PITCHED, KEENING NOISE- THIS WILL AFFECT DISORIENTATION IN THE RECIPIENT).
Much Older Lady: What was that sound?
You: [smile] What? I didn’t hear anything. [pause] So what do you say? Should we get hitched?
Much Older Lady: I guess so.
You: [confirm pledge] Are you sure?
Much Older Lady: I’m not sure of anything any more.
You: [empathize] Right. [take her hand] The only thing I’m certain of is that I want to hold you forever.
(DONE, YOU WIN)
Would you believe that the basis for those lines above was the telephone solicitation script we used to employ back in the day? It’s like Shakespeare though—relevant to any situation. We will coach you on both delivery and body language, preparing you via our own special obstacle course composed of highly sophisticated mannequins and an assortment of dangling, blunt objects. You will emerge abraded and concussed, but also steadfast in the knowledge that nothing will stand between you and your to-be-betrothed.
However, if you don’t feel up to the task yourself—if you experience the dry-heaves each time you take to one knee, or perhaps suffer from Broca’s aphasia—we’ll send out a proxy to do the deed, to “Turn that Reluctant Lover into a Grateful Fiancée,” as we like to say around the office. Our proxies are all gay males between the ages of 21 and 45, and are trained in the arts of diction and rhetoric. For an additional fee, the proxy can even wear a color copy of your face upon his own, to create the illusion in your beloved’s mind that you were there, at least in somewhat pixilated spirit.
A pricing sheet is available upon request, and while we realize that our compensation may be a little on the ritzy side, we think it’s reasonable considering the stakes. Remember, this is love. Can you really afford to fuck it up?