I know that for my listeners, there’s nothing worse than having to wait in line. And that’s what high school — that’s what life is. You’re hungry: wait in line for food. You turn your homework in: wait for a grade. You send a note asking Sharon if she likes you: you wait for a circled yes or no. Why does it have to be this way?

It turns out it doesn’t have to be, with Brown-Nosing. With Brown-Nosing you’ll find that your teacher’s grading is suddenly less picky, that you’ll get preferential treatment over your siblings, and you’ll always be the first to get called on in class. Don’t believe me? Just try it for a week and you’ll start to see results right away. And the best part? It works on parents and teachers. So, start Brown Nosing today and gain the respect of the people that really matter: the adults! Use offer code: bookswillbemyfriends.

“Insisting On Being Yourself”

I’ve gotta tell you, Insisting On Being Yourself changed my life. Insisting on Being Yourself is the new subscription service that helps you announce to the world who you are, while simultaneously accusing everybody else of “conforming to society,” just by your very presence!

Each week, Insisting On Being Yourself will provide you with a fresh set of ingredients to differentiate yourself from the rest of the crowd, and further alienate yourself from your peers. For example, this month you could find yourself wearing a beret that you think makes you look like a beatnik but will inspire a barrage of bad French accents directed at you! Or you could develop a deep and sudden obsession with Monty Python sketches (Not the movies. Everybody knows the movies.). Or, maybe you’re going to insist on listening to exclusively to vinyl records, decades before that would be considered a cool thing to do! Each week that you continue with Insisting On Being Yourself you’ll be taken to places you’ve never seen before, which none of your peers have any interest in following you to!

Insisting On Being Yourself: the perfect way to signal to the world that you’re not them!

“The Nurse’s Office”

This episode is brought to you by: The Nurse’s Office. The Nurse’s Office is the perfect alternative to the day-to-day stresses of gym class, or that quiz you forgot to study for. It offers you a safe place to lay down on a couch that was built without any consideration for comfort, or waste a perfectly good ice pack you don’t need by pressing it against your healthy forehead. When you visit the Nurse’s Office you get this, well, peace of mind that you can’t get anywhere else in the building: your teacher doesn’t have to look at you in class, you can just read your book in there, and the nurse doesn’t even have to get up from her desk. It’s truly the best situation for everybody involved.

And as a special bonus, your first visit to The Nurse’s Office comes with genuine care and concern! But act fast, because that offer diminishes very quickly!

The Nurse’s Office: Sometimes there’s orange juice!

“Social Recluse”

Hey, guys. You tell me which sounds like a better Friday night: watching your VHS of The Empire Strikes Back again, or getting a ride for some party, thrown by people you don’t even — I didn’t even need to finish. Great. Enjoy the movie.


You know, it seems like you can’t go anywhere without emptying your bank account. Six dollar latte, fourteen dollar movie tickets — it just goes on and on. What happened to free? That’s where MyVirginity comes in. You want MyVirginity? Just take it. That’s right. No strings. No pre-screening. Let’s put all the cards on the table: we haven’t been able to move this item after an embarrassing number of attempts. And this is in spite of the fact that we’re almost positive that we’re the last ones to have it in stock! So all it’s going to take is the slightest interest on your part and it’s all yours.

MyVirginity: We’re desperate!