I can’t wait until I’m eligible for a reverse mortgage. I’m too young now, but one day when I’m old enough I’m going to jump on it. I really like the idea of someone paying me to live in my own home. How sweet would that be? Having a reverse mortgage would be the perfect capper to my life, as I’ve
been living in reverse for quite a while now. For instance, I’m getting a reverse master’s degree next week in the field of my choice (economics), without any increase in my knowledge or competence. All I have to do is promise that my heirs or I will eventually take the required courses, pass the tests, write the papers, and pay the tuition at a later date—a much later date, but certainly before the children and I all die.

Not only are prospective employers impressed by my academic upgrade, but so is my reverse girlfriend. We just met, but trust me on this, a reverse girlfriend is better than the regular kind. With a reverse girlfriend, I never have to worry about remembering her birthday or celebrating our so-called anniversary or getting engaged. Best of all, I still get all the benefits associated with a normal relationship, including bedroom intimacy and sexting. All I’m contractually obliged to do is find a guy willing to marry my reverse girlfriend and maybe have her kids in the future. He can be anyone but me, since I’m disqualified by the rules, but there’s no hurry. I can take my time. Our romance can play itself out first. After we’ve had our fill of each other I’ll find her a suitable mate for life. According to a friend I fixed up for our prom a few years back, I have an eye for that sort of thing.

Should I ever get married, I’ll definitely go for a reverse wife. It’s a no-brainer. Because with a reverse wife I’ll have all the benefits of a divorce, including the freedom to see other women and come and go as I please. If I want to visit Honolulu for a few days, I pat my reverse dog on the head and I’m on my way to the airport. But I’ll still be married in the sense that I remain eligible for the perks that married couples receive, such as shared medical coverage and invitations to formal dinner parties.

Reverse marriage is almost as good as the reverse citizenship I’ve applied for, whereby I keep all the advantages of being an American national, including voting rights and defense from hostile armies, while I evade most taxes and any future military draft. Others, more patriotic than I, will take up the slack for me, guaranteed!

Speaking of having kids, as I think I did a moment ago, mine will be a reverse child, I hope a boy. I’ll have all the pride of carrying on my family name and watching a facsimile of myself grow up, but without the grunt work and obligations that could tie me down. The state will select my heir from suitable orphaned candidates, and then do all that parenting and disciplinary stuff for eighteen years, with the understanding that I’ll reimburse the appropriate agencies when I can, unless government subsidies cover all the costs, in which case I won’t pay a dime. If I forget to pay what I owe, the authorities will simply garnish my wages. Or my son’s wages, as likely my reverse son will want to pay for himself. That seems fair. I get a son, and my son gets to live without being a hindrance. Everybody gets what he wants. Everybody is happy.

Of course money is there should I ever need some, and plenty of it. On my new reverse job, which I start as soon as I receive my reverse master’s, I’ll get a big salary for doing absolutely nothing, except having my heir agree to compensate my company with hard work or the cash equivalent of such work as soon as I decide to move on to greener pastures or retire. I’m sure that my heir, who is my reverse son don’t forget, will be only too glad to honor this commitment. I can’t imagine him objecting to giving the old man a hand, especially if there’s a way to reverse the charges to his own offspring, as I’m sure there is.

Naturally, I sometimes ask myself, “Someone really should pay all the bills I run up, shouldn’t they?” But now that I’m starting to live the reverse life, it seems my debts can go on in perpetuity. Who says there’s no free lunch? Man, I love this country!