Welcome to Harass U, Inc! We’re the leading staffing agency for pro-life protests at women’s health clinics. We pride ourselves in using only the loudest and most obnoxious people available, and you certainly fit the bill. Here’s an idea of what to expect while working with us.
A blood red font usually helps to get the point across, but go in whatever direction you want. We feel that one of the perks of working here is the chance to just go nuts and use your creativity! But remember: it’s spelled with a “T-I-O-N” at the end. Also, if you decide to go the “picture of a fetus” route, make sure the photo is licensed for public use by Creative Commons and not some random photo you downloaded from the Internet.
Verbal Abuse Tips
Don’t get caught yelling, “Whore! Whore! Whore!” the whole time, because after awhile the word loses all its meaning — just ask my wife! Ha-ha, kidding of course. Just be sure to mix it up a bit. Remind them that they’re going to hell. Tell them that the little soul in their belly is crying out to them to let them live. Heck, sing Taylor Swift songs with lyrics changed to something about dead babies. We encourage taking improv classes to help you think on your feet.
- You’ll be partnered with Susan, who’s been with our company long before Roe even heard of Wade. She’s the first person to ever say “Abortion is Murder.” Until then we were saying, “Abortion is terminating a thing that may or may not be a person — we’re not entirely sure.” Not only did her edit change the narrative; it also saved us a bundle on T-shirt printing costs.
- Every so often you’ll see important people (politicians, mega-church pastors, etc.) going into the facility with their significant others, daughters, or mystery women. This will strictly be for research purposes, so leave them alone.
- We each sign a birthday card for everyone in the office on their special day. Keep in mind that we honor their the day of conception, not their actual birth.
- Lunch is from 12-12:30, and you can eat at your workstation. Just be sure to leave some food leftover to throw at the medical staff.
- Occasionally we have workers who feel pangs of guilt from this line of work. They feel that under the circumstances some of the women may have the right to do what they’re doing. That’s not for us to say as a company, we’re a strictly non-partisan corporation. You’re being paid to shame these women while they go through one of the most difficult times in their lives, thus we expect professionalism.
Finally, and most importantly, enjoy yourselves out there! Calling scared, crying women “MURDERERS!” is our God-given right so just have fun with it!