New study suggests: Pregnant woman silently yearns for opinions of complete strangers on her health, readiness for childrearing, and attractiveness while trapped in a hot, itchy, pulsing, 24-hour fat suit.

New study suggests: Yes, it is “possible” that area woman is “still pregnant.” Thanks for asking!

New study finds: Pregnant woman (and world) can still see your face when you stare at her midsection with your mouth open and full of tater-tots.

New study suggests: None-of-your-business on whether pregnancy was planned.

New study confirms: 99% of adult, grown-up Americans assume when area pregnant woman has crossed street to avoid them, best plan is to shout louder about state of her body so sound reaches destination.

New study suggests: Overdue pregnant woman had previous awareness of size before having it summarized by colleague.

New study shows: “Popping” not actual form of delivery, despite confidence of virgin neighbor mistaking childbirth for scene from Spaceballs.

New study suggests: If pregnant woman ignores repeated text message and email attempts to find out “the news,” she is probably just holding out for your phone call.

New study reveals: Old man waxing poetic on beauty of childbirth sat in waiting room smoking cigars and expecting dinner on the table, during all decades-old chances he ever had to witness childbirth firsthand.

New study concedes: Possibility that lonely, long-distance high school friend holds no official legal rights to up-to-date reporting on color or smell of anyone’s body fluid but her own.

New study suggests: 100% of non-medical-professionals hold reputable underground wisdom of which foods induce labor naturally.

New study proves: Cashier at grocery store knows gender of all unborn babies and has already named them Sophia.

New study reveals: Caffeine withdrawal likely more catastrophic to safety of both mother and child than one stupid cup of coffee per day.

New study confirms: Area woman is indeed fucking sure she wants to eat that.

New study shows: Everyone in café would like to know if you’re going to breastfeed. If so, please list alternate ways you’ll be screwing up your child for future opinion polls. (See studies on: co-sleeping, pacifiers, and placenta consumption).

New study confirms: Owner of area café is actual fascist for not stocking correct flavor of potato chips and should die slow painful death: Something involving “popping."