The Summer I Lived With Moos in Chicago

ME: Man, do you remember that summer we spent together living in Chicago that will happen in two years? Those were the days, huh? Right by the lake and everything …

MOOS: What?

ME: Think about all the fun we will have had! You and I had such a good time that hasn’t happened yet.

MOOS: I mean … It will be fun. What exactly are you talking about, though?



ME: I’ll tell you one thing: People can badmouth the economy and the rising prices of gas all they want, but the inflation in three years from tomorrow was one of the best things ever to happen to this country soon. Think about the deflation in Japan. It ruined their entire economy.

TOM: The inflation that will happen is one of the best things that ever happened? Are you feeling OK?

ME: You don’t remember that? Remember three years from now?


My New Job

BOSS: Eric, I’m not sure you’re really the fit we were looking for when we hired you here at Johnson & Johnson. During the interview, we liked how you talked fondly about the past. Then once you got here you seemed stuck in these memories, always looking backward, even with a company that’s positioned for such a bright future.

ME: Well, I love what I do after I leave. Going into automobile sales honestly was the best move I’ve ever made once you fire me before this conversation is over.

BOSS: Eric, I’m a little worried about you and not just professionally. I’m worried about …

ME: Oh, don’t worry about me the way you have after you’ve finished beginning to fire me. Reflect on the great success we both found after all this is over!


Impregnating My Girlfriend

AMANDA: What do you want to do tonight?

ME: Anything, really, as long as it’s as meaningful and fulfilling as when we got you pregnant after dinner.

AMANDA: Really?

ME: Of course, baby, once it happens that was a moment we’ll share for the rest of time.

AMANDA: We’re having a baby?!? I love you!

ME: And I will have loved you, too.