Kevin and I are so happy you’ll be celebrating with us on a day that used to be ours! As a reminder, we wanted a LOW-KEY, courthouse wedding. But then we heard from ALL of you! We were surprised to discover you all had very strong opinions about a day we are paying for with OUR OWN money. But you know what? You TOTALLY deserve to attend the wedding of YOUR dreams, despite how much it CRIPPLES us financially. I think you’ll find this wedding has something for everyone, just not us! Here’s what you can expect:


Kevin and I are pretty PRIVATE people and really wanted a wedding that would match our COMFORT level. But then Kevin’s mom said we needed to consider everyone involved, especially PEOPLE WE HAVE NEVER MET. I get chills when I think about looking out across the room on my wedding night and not recognizing a single face. They say a crowded room is the LONELIEST place to be, which is exactly the kind of intense LONELINESS I want to experience on my wedding day.


With all these STRANGERS attending our wedding, we’re going to need security measures. Now my PRO-MILITIA cousin Dan, who I thought was EX-COMMUNICATED from our family in 2011, is hooking us up with a fleet of military-grade drones to record any ground-level illicit activity. Unfortunately, he can’t help us PAY for the custom drones. We were SHOCKED! However, he was kind enough to drive us to his buddy’s trailer on the outskirts of town to obtain the drones.


Kevin has always told me that my looks could stop traffic. My bridesmaid, Lisa, who is unemployed, said I should take this literally. It would be SO romantic, she said. Flash forward six months and now we’re partnering with the D.O.T. for a full-scale HIGHWAY SHUTDOWN to accommodate our wedding processional. And even though paying for this will send our home into FORECLOSURE, Lisa, who is 33 and still on her FAMILY’S PHONE PLAN, assured me that it will be extremely worth it. Who can argue with that?!


Kevin and I are HUGE pizza lovers. We were going to have our reception at our favorite local pizza parlor but then my college roommate Tina was like, are you going to have a vegan option? And then Kevin’s old soccer coach said he no longer eats tomatoes, and my godmother WON’T EAT WITH HER HANDS.

DO NOT WORRY, GUESTS. We’ve painstakingly created a 702-item menu that has pushed us to the BRINK of bankruptcy. It’s really the least we can do to honor everyone’s EXTREMELY specific and impossible-to-source-for diet.


I like the rice throwing tradition, but my Aunt Maureen said rice was for poor people and she made a VERY valid point when she said, it’s so small, who can see it? Instead, she said we should shoot melons from CANONS and they should be IMPORTED, RARE, SUPER MELONS from the Costa Rican rainforest. Though she will not technically be PAYING for the exorbitant import taxes, she KNOWS we will regret this decision if we skimp on the melons. What more is there to say?!


Honestly, we HATE cake. But someone asked for it and SAYING NO WAS NOT AN OPTION. Last Friday Kevin and I got WASTED and commissioned a 48-tier cake, one tier for every year we’ve dated and then 42 more for height. We’ll officially have to DECLARE BANKRUPTCY in order to afford the final eight tiers, BUT they always say the last eight tiers are the sweetest, and by “they” I mean Good Housekeeping in an article from a 1978 issue my mom clipped out and mailed to me with the note “something to consider.”


WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN ORGANIZED RELIGION. But please do not let that stop you from enjoying our four-hour catholic service that will prevent Kevin and I from burning in hell and GUARANTEE our safe passage into heaven, according to Kevin’s born-again stepdad, Doug.


Again, Kevin and I are NOT “dance” people. We like staying in to watch movies and would rather be BURIED ALIVE than participate in a conga line. BUT, Kevin’s third cousin, Tiffany, said a choreographed, AERIAL, duet performance to Savage Garden’s “I Knew I Loved You,” is nothing like a conga line. It’s WAY more delicately humiliating! We can’t guarantee this duet will be perfect, but we can promise that it in NO way reflects any part of who we are as a couple and actually, BETRAYS everything we believe in! Luckily this particular entry costs us nothing, except of course our dignity. It’s LITERALLY a high price to pay to please every single person in our lives, BUT THIS IS YOUR DAY!!!