I just want to write one damn article without some father-figure — uh I mean, asshole — reading my completely normal sentences and making them about my beautiful, beautiful mother and distant, icy father, who I have no confusing feelings about whatsoever.

It seems like whenever I try to have sex with — I mean, write — something, all these sickos read into it way too much. So I implore all you keen-eyed Freudians to take a backseat and not worry about what fixations are going on in my noggin’!

I’d rather you simply enjoy the words before you without worrying about what they say about my very close and uncomplicated relationship with my mother and the difficult hate-filled relationship I have with my father.

It makes me sick. All I try to do is bring you a little pleasure, but you have to all go acting like a bunch of dads — I mean, sick-jerks. I’m tired of reasserting that I don’t have a pervasive Freudian psychosis that invades everything I do. I’m just an ordinary person like you, raised in a healthy, safe, and non-developmentally confusing family dynamic.

Not everyone is continuously analyzing and speculating hypothetical situations where my mother over-coddled me at a young age, leading to my father rejecting me, which only continued to fuel my hatred towards him.

This is one of those things that only weird academics with twisted moms — shit, I mean, minds — worry about!

I just want to make people happy with my writing, and I feel like there’s a significant father-shaped barrier being put between my mother and me — er, I mean, between my wonderful readers and me. Oh, and that barrier I just mentioned is not shaped like a father, it’s just shaped like something regular and normal. Coincidentally, those are two adjectives I would use to describe my relationship with my parents.

All I ask is that you read this with no ulterior motive because it would destroy me if I became known as the guy who can’t control his relationship with his parents — which, by the way, is not sexually confounding — in his writing.

Now, onto what this article is actually about: Why it’s completely normal to want to fight people with the same name as your father.