Mom Takes Children’s Songs Literally.
[Originally published January 11, 2010.]
What do you mean, she’ll get here “when she comes”? That’s not a time. How can I plan around that?
And we’ll all have chicken and dumplings? All of us? Even you three vegetarians? Who’s going to be cooking these dumplings anyway? Remember that time I made pierogies? No, I bet you don’t remember that.
Okay, someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah. What is this, a guessing game? And no one’s going to be “strumming on the ol’ banjo” in my house. I’m not stupid.
You are not a little teapot, honey. You’ve just got my hips. I’m sorry.
You’re paying far too much attention to that very, very small spider.
No, you can’t put a person in a pumpkin shell. Really, I’m starting to worry about you.
Is the old man snoring? Or is he in a coma? Because if he bumped his head and can’t get up we need to call someone. And it’s going to be tricky since it’s raining. And it’s pouring.
Well nobody asked you to carry a banjo all the way from Alabama.
I don’t care how many of them there are, get the monkeys out of the bedroom!
Again with the old man. Tell him to leave your thumb alone. What the heck is “knick-knack”? I thought he was snoring a minute ago.
A snowman is marching through town? Are you drunk?
What are you talking about, “how I wonder what you are”? It’s a star. You just said it was a star.
GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TREE. NOW.
What are you doing asking a sheep if it has wool? And I hope that’s not the same lamb that’s been following Mary around.
That’s a lot of pressure, telling someone they’re your “only sunshine.” Are your ready to take that step?
What? The bridge is falling down? For Christ’s sake stop singing!
SUGGESTED READSShort Essays on Favorite Songs, Inspired by Nick Hornby’s Songbook: “Wonderful” by Everclear
by Mike Cisneros (2/3/2005)
No Fear of Flying: Kamikaze Missions in Death, Sex, and Comedy: The Things I’ve Kept
by Michelle Mirsky (7/16/2012)
List: Reasons Your Child May Be Repeatedly Yelling “Mom!” from the Top of the Stairs
by Marika Seigel (2/24/2016)
RECENTLYIf Women Wrote Men the Way Men Write Women
by Meg Elison (10/25/2016)
About the Sinkhole in the Adjunct Faculty Lounge, and Other Mid-Semester Announcements
by Tom Batten (10/25/2016)
List: 10 Signs Your Partner Plans to Name Your Baby Something Horribly Unconventional
by Rachel Callman (10/25/2016)
POPULARWhen My Grandkids Ask Me What I Did to Fight American Fascism, I’ll Proudly Tell Them I Tweeted a Few Times
by Sam Spero (10/19/2016)
Moderately Motivated Gen-Xer for Hire
by Melissa Janisin (10/18/2016)
Thanks, Cindy, for Making Eye Contact Through the Bathroom Stall and Making It Super Awkward During the Department Productivity Meeting
by Anna Kemp (10/14/2016)