After serving as White House communications director for three seemingly-unending months, I, Mike Dubke, have resigned my position in President Trump’s administration. Reports that I ran screaming across the South Lawn, sprinted past the Washington Monument, and dove head-first into the Tidal Basin are simply fake news.

First off, that’s more than two-thirds of a mile. Like most of the moderate Republicans serving in the president’s White House, I’ve been kept in a cage in the White House basement since I was hired. Muscle atrophy is a thing, folks. At most, I walked to the Tidal Basin.

Second, this is as friendly a departure as one could have — and I’m not saying that because the president fetishizes loyalty to an uncomfortable degree or because I’m worried about a nighttime visit from Keith Schiller. I am thrilled to return to my previous career as a media consultant for sane Republican politicians. I am also looking forward to seeing my wife and children again. For his part, I’m sure the President is excited to shift more responsibilities over to Sean Spicer, who is totally up for the task and not at all on the bleeding edge of a nervous breakdown. (See you at the Tidal Basin, Sean!)

The reasons for my departure are personal, which is to say: extremely uncomfortable to talk about in public. The president is so tall, right? And he does this thing where he stands by your desk and blocks the light and… well, he just looms. Sometimes he’ll put one of his tiny hands on your shoulder and leave it there to see what you do but you aren’t quite sure that he’s put his hand on you and you want to look over your shoulder and verify that he’s there but you’re worried that he isn’t there and the hallucinations are back and you are just imagining the whole thing. And then you’ll hear Bannon whispering to you from a dark corner of the office and, long story short, I don’t like shadows anymore.

I will say it has also been my distinct pleasure to work side-by-side, day-by-day with the staff of the communications and press departments. Most of the positions haven’t been filled yet (which is totally normal for an American presidency), so really there were just six of us, not including the president’s Twitter account. At least, I think there were six of us — there was also some Russian photographer hanging around but Jared said that guy wasn’t in our department.

This White House is filled with some of the finest and hardest working men and women in the American government, and I’m not saying that just because I’m a veteran GOP consultant who has spent the past two decades of my career catering to politicians who regularly trash government workers as lazy and dumb. No, my public praise of the fine employees of the Trump White House is entirely heartfelt and not at all intended to prevent some sort of terrible accident happening to me in the future.

I will close with the sincere acknowledgment that it has been a privilege to serve this president. Specifically, a white privilege. Thank you for this opportunity, Mr. President, and thank you Ivanka for interceding on my behalf and convincing your father to release me.

Mike Dubke