“I only fainted four times today from the corsets.”

“The handsome farm boy didn’t die yet.”

“Grandpa only poisoned two of the cats.”

“I look pale enough today without my daily cheek leeching.”

“My brother’s psychotic wife in the attic only moaned for three hours last night.”

“If I play my cards right, I’ll be a governess by the age of 13, married at 16, and dead at 32.”

“In my defense, the brandy was plentiful, and the pantaloons were loose.”

“Hand sewing the linens only caused arthritis in seven of my fingers by the age of 21.”

“Only one nephew was possessed last year.”

“The full moon finally made Sara drown.”

“While gathering wild blueberries, the young man who lives up the lane visited and managed to run his fingers through his hair before collapsing from syphilis.”

“Fingers crossed I can leave this place through a dissociative fugue state.”

“I think my husband finally desires me more than the ghost of his first wife who visits every night.”

“It took me longer to bleed to death than Ophelia, that weak trollop.”