1. Do Hollywood actresses within ten years of your age play mothers of adult children?
A. No. What’s Hollywood? Is that like Snapchat but longer?
B. I am a mother. Also, Ariana Grande has been cast as a mom.
2. What’s your favorite clothing brand?
A. Forever 21.
B. Having my shoulders covered. I’m 41. And it’s winter.
3. Do you pay for dating apps?
A. Ew, I’m not desperate.
B. Am I still allowed on dating apps? I’m 37.
4. When you get carded, how do you react?
A. Smile nonchalantly as if this happens all the time. Because it does.
B. Burst into tears of joy. I’m 28.
5. Did you spend more than 17 minutes deciding whether or not to dress up for Halloween?
A. No, I’m definitely dressing up as Ariana Grande. Also lol @ the idea of spending 17 minutes thinking about anything unless I’m on Adderall.
B. I guess I’ll go as the Crypt Keeper because that won’t require a costume. I’m one week away from 35.
6. Have you gotten your period yet?
A. Yes, but then I immediately started on birth control, so technically no.
B. I’m 31!! But also, I have an IUD, so technically no.
7. When you meet a man who says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, do you continue sleeping with him even though you know it’s not what you want?
A. Yes — I’ll change him.
B. Wait, this is a behavior I’ll outgrow as I get older? I CANNOT wait.
8. Do you get sexually harassed on the street?
B. OMG wait, does that go away? Thank you, God!! I’m 23. Fingers crossed that I only have 40 years of it left.
9. Do you have lines anywhere on your face or body, including your T-shirt?
A. Bitch, this is a romper.
B. Yes, I have laughed at various points in my life.
10. Are you old enough to run for president?
A. No — isn’t it in the constitution that you need crow’s feet before you can run?
B. I’m too female to run for president.
11. Are you too old to run for president?
B. Hillary Clinton was a grandma — don’t forget that. We can’t have a grandma in the White House. I’m 28, so I guess, yes, I’m too old.
12. Are you aware that being old enough to run for president makes you too old to be a woman?
A. No, although hopefully, I’ll learn it in AP US History next year, when I become a high school junior.
B. I figured there was some correlation with the whole no-female-president thing. I’m 25.
13. Do you feel old?
A. No, I feel nothing, I’ve been on Ritalin since I was 8 (7 whole years!).
B. I’m 24, so yes.
14. Do people refer to you as a “girl”?
B. Sometimes, but just my parents, my friends, my sexual partners, and my boss. Oh, god, I really am too old to be a woman, aren’t I?
15. Do you regularly feel your eggs drying up inside you?
A. No. I actually just made $900,000 selling my eggs.
B. It’s not really something I’d be able to feel — like, that’s why they have fertility tests.
16. Are your eggs so dry you’d classify them as fried eggs?
A. No, and I’m a vegan.
B. If your fried eggs are dry, you’re making them wrong.
17. Have you done all the things you wanted to do because, dear god, why does society value such young women and why are 60-year-old men dating 20-year-olds?! Am I invisible!? Why am I invisible?!
B. I’ve done very few of the things I wanted to do because I raised a family, did all the housework, and had a full-time job. Plus, I managed my husband. Also, do you need therapy? Can I get help for you? I’m a woman, I’m very helpful.
18. Are you over the age of 21?
If you answered “B” to Question 18, then, yes, you are too old to be a woman. The rest of the questions were just time-wasters, much like the last 23+ years of your life.