Pick a secret shame…
● In that online quiz yesterday, you chose Céline Dion as your favorite singer because she was the only one on the list you’d even heard of.
● You couldn’t choose a favorite 19th century novel because, as an English major, you never read any of the classics you now pretend to have read, and instead spent 18 months deconstructing Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s “The Yellow Wallpaper.”
● No kind of dog is your favorite dog.
● Your true dream home—a boring furnished apartment that doesn’t smell like your ex, and where you feel no pressure to do anything but nap—wasn’t pictured.
● You’ve never seen Blade Runner.
● At least half the time when you take these quizzes, you find out you’re Chester A. Arthur.
What were you doing before you started this quiz?
● Repressing thoughts of death while Instagramming your Pop-Tart.
● Sobbing uncontrollably while captioning a goat meme.
● Posting at NakedTwerkFail.com.
● Facebook-stalking your middle-school German teacher, who you maybe saw in Key Foods yesterday and who looked sort of OK in a fat-Piers-Morgan way.
● Googling yourself to make sure you exist.
What activity are you avoiding?
● Working out.
● Standing up.
● Going to all the trouble of unwrapping that Twix bar.
Online quizzes you regret taking include…
● Which U.S. President Are You? (Answer: Chester A. Arthur)
● Which Historical Personality Are You? (Chester A. Arthur)
● Where Should You Live? (Pitman, New Jersey)
● Which Writer Are You? (Sue Schneider, author of Mulching for Dummies)
● Who’s Your Celebrity Lookalike? (Chester A. Arthur)
● Which Muppet Are You? (Some random chicken)
● What’s Your Porn Star Name? (Chesty A. Arthur)
● Which Downton Abbey Character Are You? (The yellow-Labrador butt from the opening credits)
Pick an irrational hope…
● If only a quiz would tell you you’re Virginia Woolf, you could post about it and people would finally know you’re brilliant and also worry you’re suicidal and start being nice to you.
● If you could post, “I’m Miss Piggy,” they’d think, “Wow, the sexiest Muppet—I guess she is pretty sexy.”
● Posting “I belong in… Paris!” would make your lack of showering seem earthy and European.
● No one knows you’re taking these quizzes over and over till you stop getting lame authors, obscure towns, and crappy Muppets.
After this quiz, you will probably…
● Write a text that no one answers.
● Write a tweet that no one retweets.
● Facebook-stalk your high school chemistry teacher.
● Briefly consider hitting the gym, throwing out your junk food, and going to that Singles ‘n’ Saltimbocca thing tonight, because it’s never too late to turn over a new leaf, goddammit.
● Take another quiz.
Chester A. Arthur