Give yourself one point for each answer yes.

1. Are your pants unbuttoned before the appetizer is even put on the table?

2. Are you wearing a pilgrim hat and drinking your fourth High Noon?

3. Did you loudly ask what the turkey’s pronouns were, then smirk into your Modelo?

4. Did you explain the origins of the holiday to the children’s table using one to three racist terms?

5. When called out for using one to three racist terms, did you then proceed to use four more?

6. Did you walk into the kitchen and say, “How you girls doin’ with the cooking?”

7. Did you also ask if they’ve been “slaving away”?

8. Then call them “busy beavers”?

9. Instead of eating the home-cooked meal, did you pull out a bag of Ancestral Supplements because you’re on the Liver King’s hunter-and-gatherer diet?

10. Did you just spend a single semester in England, and call the can of cranberry sauce a “tin,” then compliment your cousin on her “jumper”?

11. If someone brings up their dietary restrictions, is your instinct to say “Enjoy your tofurrrrrkey” in a girly voice with a raised pinkie finger?

12. After your sister takes a bite of pumpkin pie, do you loudly speculate that her Ozempic prescription clearly isn’t strong enough?

13. Did you confide to your brother-in-law that you’re not just asking him for money, you’re giving him a rare opportunity to get in on the ground floor of your emu farm?

14. Is your family wearing matching fleece vests? Including the shih tzu?

15. Are you an amateur mixologist, and is one of your cocktail ingredients brine?

16. When everyone is sharing what they’re grateful for, does your list include the words “Tesla,” “Bitcoin,” or “Joe fucking Rogan, bro”?

17. Do you have a TikTok channel devoted entirely to clips of men being hit in the testicles / clips of frightened dogs being pushed down water slides, and are you watching the channel during the saying of grace?

18. Did you bust out your vape at dinner and get “handsy” under the table with your uninvited date?

19. When it’s time to do the dishes, do you tell everyone that you have an important phone call to take and/or diarrhea from the green bean casserole?

20. Did you pull the bigger part of the wishbone, then tell everyone that what you wished for was “reduced charges”?

21. When your grandmother requested leftovers, did you loudly burp into an empty Ziploc, then whisper “bon appetit”?


One to five points: You could be the worst person at Thanksgiving.

Six to ten points: You probably are the worst person at Thanksgiving.

Ten-plus points: You definitely are the worst person at Thanksgiving.

Yes on #18: You’re Lauren Boebert.