Dear Lingerie Lovers,

As the managers of this Victoria’s Secret, we hope you know how much we value you angels. You stuck with us through multi-strap thongs, panties with crotch holes, perfumes that smell like a fifth grader’s lip gloss, and bralettes. We honestly can’t believe you’re still here. But since you are, we’ll get straight to the point: stop coming to Victoria’s Secret to try on panties when you have yeast infections.

Every year you visit our store before your boyfriend’s birthday with your cute little waxed hooches looking for lingerie. And every year, you leave white residue on our dainty little thongs from your yeast infections. You do know what a yeast infection is, right? Fungus. It’s fungus coming out of your hoo-ha. And it doesn’t belong on Victoria Secret panties, no matter how made-by-child-labor they may be.

Now, we will happily measure any of you bombshells for your bra size. Or, we have cute new sweatpants that say PINK on the butt. They even come in cheetah print. How fun! You know what’s not fun? The dumpster full of panties that we had to throw out because they’re covered in yeast. Those panties could have outfitted an entire sorority on Halloween. But now, that dumpster is being shot into space. Because that is what you do with medical waste.

We’re desperate. So many women are coming to Victoria’s Secret with yeast infections that our new line of boy shorts started growing dinner rolls. All this could be prevented if you just stopped taking off your panties before trying on our panties. Trying on new underwear over your old underwear is the cornerstone of a civilized society.

We’ve tried everything we can think of, but our panties are getting yeastier than ever. We’ve started wondering if we’re failing Victoria. Corporate won’t let us put cameras in the dressing rooms to identify the culprits. To be clear, we don’t want to spy on you. We’re not pervs. But if that’s what it takes, so help us we are prepared to stare down your naked vaginas until you leave our store.

Customers, we care about your health. Getting rid of a yeast infection is so easy! To help, we’ve placed a furry pink basket of Monostats over by the sports bras. Take as many as you need. Don’t come back until your yeast infection is gone. And please, see a sales associate about opening a Victoria’s Secret Angel Card for 10% off today’s purchase.

With love,
The Managers