ACT II, SCENE II
Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, HALL, OATES, and Attendants.
KING CLAUDIUS
Welcome, gentlemen; our urgent need did provoke
Our hasty sending.
ROSENCRANTZ
Both your majesties
Might, by the sovereign power you have of us,
Put your dread pleasures more into command
Than to entreaty.
GUILDENSTERN
But we four obey,
And here give up ourselves to be commanded.
HALL
You’ve got to know
What my head overlooks
The senses will show to my heart;
When it’s watching for lies
You can’t escape my
Private Eyes.
OATES
(silent)
(long pause)
KING CLAUDIUS
(clears throat)
That will be all.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Ay, amen!
Exeunt CLAUDIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and Attendants.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
(places her hand on HALL’s chest)
Stay, you lion-maned pair, tell me
Of your distant City of Brotherly Love,
That we may, as they say, get to know
The heft and measure of each other’s thoughts.
HALL
I can’t go for that.
OATES
No can do.
HALL
I can’t go for that, can’t go for that, can’t go for that.
Enter SAXOPHONIST; QUEEN GERTRUDE flees.
ACT II, SCENE III
Enter HAMLET, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, HALL and OATES.
HAMLET
My excellent good friends! How do ye four?
ROSENCRANTZ
As the indifferent children of the earth.
GUILDENSTERN
Happy, in that we are not over-happy;
On fortune’s cap we are not the very button.
HALL
Mmmm, yeah. Mmmm, yeah, hey.
OATES
(silent)
HAMLET
There is a kind of confession in your looks
Which your modesties have not craft enough to colour:
I know the good king and queen have sent for you.
HALL
Don’t you know
That it’s wrong to take
What he’s giving you;
You can get along
If you try to be strong
But you’ll never be strong.
HAMLET
(long pause)
I… sure.
Now, make haste to the king’s chamber,
To his chamber, go!
Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN and HALL.
HAMLET (CONT.)
Stay, dusky Oates, for your silence doth seem
The still surface of the deepest waters, and I lack gall
To make oppression bitter for this tyrant,
This remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain!
O, vengeance!
OATES
Vengeance, whoa-oh.
HAMLET
Prompted to my revenge by heaven and hell,
I fall a-cursing, like a very drab, a scullion!
OATES
A scullion, woo, scullion, whoa-oh.
HAMLET
Abuse me to damn me, but I’ll have grounds
More relative than this: the play’s the thing
Wherein I’ll catch the conscience—
OATES
Conscience, whoa, conscience, whoa-oh.
OATES vamps for eight more minutes; HAMLET waits awkwardly.
ACT III, SCENE II
Danish march. A flourish. Enter HAMLET, KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, HALL, OATES, and others.
HAMLET
They are coming to the play; I must be idle:
Get you a place. Where be Ophelia? My own person,
Like the sun, doth daily rise to greet her.
HALL
I wouldn’t if I were you,
I know what she can do,
She’s deadly, man, she could really rip your world apart.
Mind over matter, ooh, the beauty is there,
But a beast is in the heart.
OATES
(silent)
HAMLET
(clears throat)
Go, bid the players make ready.
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN
We will, my lord.
Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN. Enter OPHELIA.
OATES
Whoa-oh, here she comes.
HALL
Watch out boy, she’ll chew you up.
OATES
Whoa-oh, here she comes.
HALL
She’s a maneater.
HAMLET
Let the show begin!
Enter a dozen SAXOPHONISTS.
KING CLAUDIUS
Gods, no! Give me some light: away!
Exeunt all.
ACT IV, SCENE VII
HALL and OATES stand graveside. Enter LAERTES.
LAERTES
What news? Hast seen Ophelia this day?
HALL
Everybody’s high on consolation,
Everybody’s trying to tell me what’s right for me, yeah,
My daddy tried to bore me with a sermon,
But it’s plain to see that they can’t comfort me.
LAERTES
Come, what news, knave? Out with it!
HALL
Sorry, Charlie, for the imposition,
I think I’ve got it, got it, I’ve got the strength to carry on, yeah.
I need a drink and a quick decision,
Now it’s up to me, ooh, what will be.
LAERTES
Come, you devils! Out, out with it!
HALL
She’s gone.
OATES
She’s gone.
HALL
Oh, I, oh, I,
I’d better learn how to face it.
She’s gone.
OATES
She’s gone.
HALL
Oh, I, oh, I,
I pay the devil to replace her.
She’s gone.
Enter SAXOPHONIST, playing.
HALL
She’s gone.
OATES
She’s gone.
HALL, OATES and SAXOPHONIST continue thusly for sixteen minutes; LAERTES waits awkwardly.
ACT V, SCENE II
Enter FORTINBRAS, HORATIO, ENGLISH AMBASSADORS, and others.
PRINCE FORTINBRAS
This quarry cries on havoc. O proud death,
What feast is toward in thine eternal cell,
That thou so many princes at a shot
So bloodily hast struck?
FIRST AMBASSADOR
The sight is dismal;
And our affairs from England come too late:
The ears are senseless that should give us hearing,
To tell him his commandment is fulfill’d,
That Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and Hall and Oates are dead:
Where should we have our thanks?
HORATIO
(distraught)
Not from his mouth,
Had it the ability of life to thank you:
He never gave commandment for their death.
FIRST AMBASSADOR
The saxophonists, too, are rightly hanged.
HORATIO
Rejoice! Prepare the table for feasting!
A heavy blues-soul march. Exeunt, bearing the dead bodies.
CURTAIN.
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