1. The Eiffel Tower
Okay, I agree it’s confusing that I said “your kiss” is on my list of The Best Things in Life, while also implying that your kiss is on my list of What I Miss When I Turn Out the Light. Your kiss would be on both of those lists. “The Eiffel Tower,” just Best Things.
“Bratwurst,” too, is only on my Best Things list. Did you have to ask?
4. Children’s Laughter
5. Italian Sausage
Yeah, I’m going to put both “Bratwurst” and “Italian Sausage” on my list of The Best Things in Life, along with “your kiss.” You seem pretty upset about this, but I’m sorry, that’s just who I am. And now that I think about it, I like irises better than daffodils.
6. The show House Hunters
That might make it on both lists. I do think about it a lot for some reason.
7. Cabo San Lucas
Really just this one place in Cabo where they have an amazing egg dish served with these lime soufflé pancakes and chorizo.
8. All-Clad Cookware
Yes! Chorizo! Yes, I will put a lot of sausage on my list in addition to your kiss. Maybe some of the sausage will even be ABOVE your kiss on my list.
In fact, my list may just go: sausage, sausage, sausage, your kiss, some other things, irises and/or daffodils, more sausage. You’re the one who wanted to know what else was on my list. Lists.
And you know I put “Children’s Laughter” on the list just for your benefit.
11. Pot Roast
(This is a placeholder until I can think of other kinds of sausage…)
14. Wiener Schnitzel!
Oh, schnitzel isn’t sausage. Well aren’t you knowledgeable about this all of a sudden.
15. The Herman Miller Eames Chair
You don’t like my attitude? I thought it was kind of nice to put your kiss on my list. I bet a lot of people haven’t done that before.
16. Antique Cameras
And you know, sausage is seeing a real resurgence among foodies, it’s not like I’m putting your kiss on my list with any old meat product.
17. Margaret Cho
Fine. You got me. I didn’t actually have a list until you asked me about it. Putting your kiss on my list was just, I thought, a nice way of saying I was thinking of you. But now that you’ve asked, and I’ve thought about it, a lot of these things would be on my list of The Best Things in Life. And some would also be What I Miss When I Turn Out the Light.
18. Google Maps
Because when it comes down to it, I don’t think you work so hard on your kissing. I think you think it’s just something people do. I don’t think you really try at it.
19. Andrew Lloyd Webber
And your gum! How can your kiss be so great when you’re always chewing that kind of gum?
20. Yosemite National Park
21. Foghorn Leghorn
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone there with the gum. I really do like your kiss. And you’re right, my list is getting kind of arbitrary. Anyone can tell my thought process went from “Yosemite National Park” to “Yosemite Sam” to “other Looney Tunes characters” to “Foghorn Leghorn.” And I’ve only seen Margaret Cho’s standup on TV like twice.
I didn’t mean to dilute the importance of your kiss by throwing it in with things that may or may not be The Best Things in Life. I do like the Eiffel Tower though.
See, that was just supposed to be funny. Like, do I think Oates is one of The Best Things in Life? Or is he What I Miss When I Turn Out the Light? See how that’s funny?
25. Peach Yogurt
I really should have thought this through more.