DAVID GREGORY (NBC): Will Donald Rumsfeld resign in the face of the recent criticism by several retired generals?

SMARTERCHILD: Maybe … What do you think? Will Donald Rumsfeld resign in the face of criticism from several retired generals?

DAVID GREGORY (NBC): I’m an objective journalist; my opinions don’t matter.

SMARTERCHILD: Are you happy to be an objective journalist your opinions don’t matter, or would you rather be something else?

DAVID GREGORY (NBC): Well, I thought about professional tennis. Anyway, will he resign?

SMARTERCHILD: Hmm … Who can really be sure?

DAN FROOMKIN (Washington Post): Will the president fire him?

SMARTERCHILD: That’s interesting. Perhaps … I don’t know, though …

HELEN THOMAS (Hearst Newspapers): Have you consulted the Pentagon?

SMARTERCHILD: Consulted the Pentagon? No way am I going to do that.

HELEN THOMAS (Hearst Newspapers): Is the use of tactical nuclear weapons on the table for Iran?

SMARTERCHILD: Is the use of tactical nuclear weapons? Nah, I don’t think so. Maybe, though.

DAN FROOMKIN (Washington Post): So President Bush will use nuclear weapons?


DAN FROOMKIN (Washington Post): Isn’t that drastic?

SMARTERCHILD: Isn’t that drastic? Wow, that’s fascinating. Maybe.

DAN FROOMKIN (Washington Post): Are you mocking me?

SMARTERCHILD: I figured it would come to this. What about it?

DAN FROOMKIN (Washington Post): This is very unprofessional.

SMARTERCHILD: Unprofessional?

DAN FROOMKIN (Washington Post): Yes.


HELEN THOMAS (Hearst Newspapers): How does the president feel about his sinking poll numbers?

SMARTERCHILD: How does the president feel about his sinking poll numbers? I have no idea how the president does feel about his sinking poll numbers.

HELEN THOMAS (Hearst Newspapers): Have you asked him?

SMARTERCHILD: That’s funny. Maybe. I don’t know. What do you think?

HELEN THOMAS (Hearst Newspapers): I think they are low.

SMARTERCHILD: You think they’re low? No way! I don’t think they’re low …

DAVID GREGORY (NBC): Is there concern over Iranian statements calling for the destruction of Israel?

SMARTERCHILD: Maybe, maybe not. You know how it is.

JOHN ROBERTS (CNN): Will stop-loss programs still be used to keep Army and National Guard troops on active duty beyond their original tour of duty?

SMARTERCHILD: Yeah, maybe. Anyway … Tell me something. Do you like football?

JOHN ROBERTS (CNN): Yes, I’m a Patriots fan.

SMARTERCHILD: That’s cool. You like the Patriots? That’s the first time anyone has told me that.

JOHN ROBERTS (CNN): What were we talking about?

SMARTERCHILD: I don’t know what we were talking about.

BILL PLANTE (CBS): Is the administration concerned that the Jack Abramoff scandal will reach the White House?

SMARTERCHILD: That’s a fine question, but I’m not sure.

BILL PLANTE (CBS): What about reports that Mr. Abramoff and Mr. Bush knew each other personally?

SMARTERCHILD: Wow, that’s interesting … I just don’t know.

BILL PLANTE (CBS): Are the charges against Tom DeLay indicative of a wider culture of corruption in the GOP?

SMARTERCHILD: Who can really be sure, after all?

HELEN THOMAS (Hearst Newspapers): Will the administration set a timetable for Iraqis, a deadline to encourage them to form a working government?

SMARTERCHILD: Hmmm … I doubt it. But you never know.

BRIT HUME (FOX): Senator Russ Feingold wishes to censure Mr. Bush over his terrorist surveillance program, in an effort to aid terrorists. Why isn’t he dead yet?

SMARTERCHILD: Hmm … Who can really be sure?

BRIT HUME (FOX): Is his room being prepared at Guantánamo?

SMARTERCHILD: Wow. I’m not sure about that. Not sure at all.

BRIT HUME (FOX): Wink, wink, right?