We are looking for a person to run our exclusive neighborhood group for upper-income residents in downtown Chicago. You will be responsible for weakening morale, making the group members unhappy, and causing general chaos.
If you’re a dedicated member of the community looking for a group where you can make a difference, this job is not for you.
- 10-15 years of an uneven temperament
- Irrational when discussing dog poop
- Proficient at cultivating a toxic environment
- Passionate about alienating everyone around you
- Proven ability to cause and escalate conflict
- An obsession with absolute power
- Unlikable as described by your peers
- Has disposable income for expensive Starbucks drinks but morally bankrupt
- Fluent in both aggression and passive-aggression
- Majored in Drama from an Ivy League university
- Previous experience as a dictator of a small country strongly preferred
Primary Job Duties
- Oscillate between friendly and terrorizing
- Pick sides depending on your personal biases, incomprehensible caprices, and mood of the moment
- When there’s a problem among members, add more rules
- Create fear by ruling in an undemocratic manner
- Suppress freedom of speech by deleting members’ posts
- Throw out members that dissent from your opinion
- None except everyone will hate you
Apply via Facebook Messenger. Provide a disturbing history of your interactions with other Facebook members. Endorse the idea that you have a history of tumultuous relationships combined with authoritarian tendencies, thereby making you the ideal candidate.