We here at Blood Diamond Capital understand and agree that there are problems in the world today. This may surprise our stockholders as we are coming off an exceptionally strong financial year, buoyed by our purchase of the copyright to the human skeleton. Thanks to our pioneering innovation, Blood Diamond Capital now receives one dollar for every baby born anywhere in the world. To recall the words of our visionary founder, Wesley Greebes Sr., “That’s not nothing.”
But much like the people below us, we see the news with its various problems and feel a deep sorrow. As a financial services firm with countless analysts, we have hundreds of hearts that are swollen with sadness and thousands of eyes that weep. Compounding this sadness, a recent survey showed that although we are broadly recognized as one of the world’s top financial firms, only 5% of respondents view Blood Diamond Capital as a force for good in the world. Furthermore, only 1% of survey respondents said they thought of Blood Diamond Capital as a friend, and 0% of respondents said they thought of us as their best friend. As a firm that holds 8% of all American wealth, it is our dream to be part of the solution and have a friendship bracelet on 100% of American wrists. That is why we want to tell you about the work done over the past year by our charity arm, Good Blood Diamond Capital.
You may have noticed the smiling children at the top of this report. These children come from an underperforming middle school in Rochester, New York. We know children need a strong educational foundation to succeed, so we at Good Blood Diamond Capital paid for the creation of a whole new set of history books to better young minds. These books follow the story of Wesley Greebes Sr, highlighting his shrewd and savvy business acumen, as exemplified in his landmark decision to sink a mob of striking dockworkers to save his shipbuilding monopoly. The photo you see was taken on the third week of school, when the children were delighted by a visit from John Cena, who delivered a passionate lecture on the importance of investing in gold.
As we focus on the young, we must also turn towards the elderly. The life of an older person in the United States can be lonely, and without human contact they may experience loneliness, with no companionship outside of their own sad thoughts. That’s why we have developed a technology that can convert the thoughts of the elderly into computing power for our Bitcoin mining rigs. In our program, lonely older adults will go from thinking depressing thoughts to thinking nothing at all for cold, hard cash.
It’s no secret to us at Good Blood Diamond Capital that our planet is warming, and our depleted rainforests are no longer up to the task of removing carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. That is why we have partnered with the Brazilian government to replace swaths of the Amazon rainforest with a mono-environment of ultra-efficient syntho-trees, which suck CO2 out of the atmosphere and convert it into five flavors of oxygen, including caramel, menthol, and plain.
Our environmental plans don’t end there. To promote the use of solar power, we are also excited to announce that Good Blood Diamond Capital has partnered with Exxon Mobil to fund the development of a new gas-powered sun. This new sun will be positioned closer to Earth than our old sun, so the energy rays do not have to travel as far to hit the solar panels on the roofs of our second homes. Furthermore, the infrastructure required to build and defend a pipeline that reaches from Exxon’s oil reserves into outer space will create hundreds of jobs for the American poor person.
Despite our generosity, this innocuous summary will not be without its detractors. Certainly, our past charitable efforts have even been criticized as publicity stunts, such as our push to arrest more women in order to reverse the overrepresentation of men in United States prisons. Our harshest critics have even gone so far as to say that our current position of power in a deeply flawed economic system does not give us the right to claim ownership of the solutions to the world’s problems. Indeed, they would rather we be out of power entirely, the scope of our power extending no further than an ant farm. We understand that everyone will not appreciate our efforts, so we have started a new marketing campaign raising awareness for the importance of flowers, which are beloved the world over.
We hope this is good enough for you people.
Wesley Greebes IV
CEO, Blood Diamond Capital