First off, let me just say: I know how you feel. I, too, miss the days when my feed was full of videos of cute kittens and baked egg recipes. Now when I scroll through my phone it’s nothing but stupid people I went to high school with sharing their stupid political opinions about every stupid little thing. This is why I wouldn’t post this if it wasn’t important, but today’s actually going to be the day we storm the bourgeois, topple the capitalist system, and start that class war everyone’s been so worried about.

You know I don’t like to be controversial on here and I don’t want to get in any debates, but today people are storming the federal reserve to tar and feather all the bankers and stop the markets once and for all. Then everyone plans to fan out to the big banks — Chase, Citi, Bank of America — because none of them were banking FOR America — and dropkick and hogtie those bankers, too. And I’d forgive you for scrolling by already, but the masses are also blowing up the credit card buildings, just like Fight Club, because credit really is the new slavery. Also don’t mind all the fires; we’re burning all the money we can get our hands on since that had somehow become the means we used to measure our time and participate in our political system. Sorry for the political post!

Also, just FYI, this is a real class war, which means none of the wealthy will be spared — even if they’ve been sympathetic to the working plight in the past. Since we’ll have already destroyed commerce and credit as we knew it, we’ll be using old retail stores as bases. We’ll make a run to what’s left of the Walmart to load up on ammo (to take everything the rich have) and home storage containers (so we have a convenient way to redistribute it amongst everyone else). Their greed turned our country into a banana republic so that’s why we’re setting up guillotines at the Eddie Bauer (stay away from there today!). Again, all of them will be punished because even the most sympathetic rich person was still complicit in perpetuating the systematic inequalities inherent in the capitalist sys — you know what, I’m sorry. Why am I telling you this? I know you hate the political stuff. Just know that if you’re looking for any of your rich friends, they will either be imprisoned in the old Williams & Sonoma on Clybourn, or they were categorized by the Movement as Resistors and sent to the Finish Line (in this case, not actually the store, but death).

Believe me, I’m just like you, I’d really rather not know what’s going on in the news (it’s always so depressing!) or take any responsibility for my part in letting it happen. But since today’s really when it’s all coming to a head, I thought to myself, Okay, Beth, suck it up. It won’t kill you to make one post, between killing Resistors, that we’re finally going to create a world free of race, class, and gender. I hate to be “one of those people,” but I think a lot of us already realized that the system was unsustainable and propped up only by us getting distracted with consuming one stupid commodity after the next. Plus it was so easy to do from my new phone!

Hopefully, after the capitalists and their phony system are brought to justice, things will go back to normal. We’ll all get to see what a real, lasting peace is, not a fleeting one propped up only so the military industrialists can regroup, and our social media feeds will be going back to funny dog fails and sassy babies. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for, and that’s why I’m nominating myself at the People’s Committee to be the new Minister of Social Information. After all the dust settles I’ll be posting about wanting your vote! But then no more political posts after that — promise!