MICHAEL: If you see an intriguing headline, what do you do first? Do you read the article or verify the source first? Are you team Chicken or Egg?
ALEXANDRA: Well, honestly, I think it depends on how much I want the things the headline alleges to be true. Like if the headline is “Hillary Sold Underage Quadraplegics into a Stephen Colbert-run Sex Ring” I’m probably going to check the source before even clicking through. But if some .info site promises me photographic proof that 45 licks poisonous frogs then smuggles in baby seals to clobber with his gold-plated clubs between rounds of golf at Mar a Lago, I’m clicking faster than Ivanka can misappropriate civil rights quotes.
MICHAEL: What if the headline was, “Do the Most Hipster Thing Possible – Move to Des Moines?”
ALEXANDRA: First, I’d check the publication date.
MICHAEL: Oh. It’s from October. Of 2014. From BEFORE.
ALEXANDRA: I think we can put off figuring out how to update the mailing address for our ACLU memberships then.
MICHAEL: Damn. And it was from The Atlantic, too.
ALEXANDRA: Michael, that’s like getting all excited about “judicial armadas” and raids on GOP fundraising centers only to learn it was over an investigation into fraudulent activity for a campaign that happened back before Iowa enjoyed its brief heyday as a hipster Mecca. Hell, back when a person could reference Mecca without being put on a government watch list.
MICHAEL: But who can keep up anymore? I mean honestly! I need the Skimm to happen twice a day. Or at least start running on weekends, too. These Friday-at-6pm breaking news alerts are aging me faster than free radicals. Which reminds me, did you pick up more acai berry-infused green tea serum?
ALEXANDRA: I swear they do that just to mess with the staff of SNL. I’m not sure how much longer Alec Baldwin can keep this up.
MICHAEL: But it’s almost over, right? I mean, are they going to cancel the March for Truth now that we have a special prosecutor? Are we winning? It kind of feels like we’re winning.
ALEXANDRA: Go check the headlines on Breitbart and tell me if it still feels that way. THIS WAS THEIR PLAN ALL ALONG, MICHAEL. He was never going to serve a full term. The GOP knows exactly what they are doing. Soon we’ll be pledging allegiance to Pence and the First Mother while our government launches a Chechnyan-modeled policy on homosexuality. And the people will go along with it. I mean, Montana just awarded a House seat to a Republican that assaulted a reporter ON TAPE. There aren’t enough photos of Macron and Trudeau strolling and comfortably bantering amidst the palm fronds of that secular Eden-equivalent to get me through this. But maybe I’ll just scroll through those again. Just in case…
MICHAEL: Remember when “Russian probes” were the punchline to confusing and vaguely sexual jokes in elementary school? Now it seems they’re the topic of every conversation I have and I’m supposed to react with gravitas instead of retorting with, “I know you are, but what am I?” and making fart noises with my armpit.
ALEXANDRA: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I almost miss fart humor. I can’t remember the last time I heard a non-political joke.
MICHAEL: That’s because you don’t watch Jimmy Fallon. And don’t worry, fart comedy is always in style. I remember them talking about it on Science Friday a while ago. I’m sure there’s a recording. I bet I can find it on the NPR site somewhere. Consider the timelessness of farts VERIFIED.
ALEXANDRA: The Republic is safe, then. Oh! Speaking of things confusing and vaguely sexual, I just heard about this dominatrix who dresses up as Hillary and flogs remorseful Trump voters until they shout, “I’m With Her!” Don’t think we’ll see any coverage of that story in a legacy publication, though. So I guess we’ll never know if it was real.
MICHAEL: I can verify it. I watched the video. Twice.
ALEXANDRA: Of course you did. I can’t think of a better metaphor for white, male privilege — the way to assuage guilt over trampling the rights of the oppressed is through paying someone for sexual release. Obviously.
MICHAEL: I’m feeling really guilty right now. My safe word is “covfefe.” Just saying.
ALEXANDRA: Word is Jared is the man you should talk to about Russian probes these days.
MICHAEL: Has that been verified?
ALEXANDRA: Is that jackfruit going to go bad before we muster the courage to figure out how to cook it?
MICHAEL: So just how credible does a news source have to be if I really, REALLY want the facts to not be alternative. Because I just read an article that said man rompers are all the rage for summer.
ALEXANDRA: NO, MICHAEL. JUST NO. Please let that have been a piece in The Onion. I’d rather move to Des Moines.