Gosh, it’s been such a long year — and it’s only September. I can’t wait until 2020 is over.
Wow, 2021 is a real dumpster fire. It’s somehow even worse than 2020, and President Biden is nowhere to be found. Can we just skip to 2022 already?
Can’t believe Biden ghosted the entire country. That radical young senator Admiral Klaw sure is stepping up to the plate, though. If he runs in 2024, he’s got my vote!
Say what you will about President Klaw, but the guy handled COVID-23 like a boss. I’ll admit that his Twitter account can be a little strange — especially those alien xenoglyphs he’s always posting — but I’m all aboard the #Klaw28 train!
There’s no way those leaked videos of Klaw basking on warm rocks and eating eggs with the shells on are real. Those right-wing senators, The Warm Blooders, just want to make him look bad in an election year. 2028 is taking forever — and it’s only May! Ready for 2029, big time.
Klaw is a moron. If we’re going to fight off the lizard shapeshifters from Zyke-X82Z he’s going to have to reach across the aisle, but all he cares about is how many retweets his latest xenoglyph got on Twitter+. I don’t know about you, but I am SO ready for 2030.
Wow, 2030 can suck a big one. Turns out Klaw was one of the lizard shapeshifters all along. And yet he’s still probably our best option. Come to think of it, he might be our only option since everyone who runs against him seems to mysteriously disappear. Bring on 2031!
Can we just skip 2031? Hardworking Americans are being sent through wormholes to toil on the New Reptilian Republic’s interdimensional egg farms, but Klaw seems more concerned with winning a third term next year. Can he really run for a third term? Is that a thing now? If that happens, I swear I’m moving to New Canada.
Oh, great — four more years of Klaw. Probably should have seen that coming, but I guess hindsight is 20/20 when you’re stuck on an egg farm near the Crab Nebula. If I make it back to Earth in time for the 2036 election, I’m voting for the sentient cloud of gas.
I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but working for the Reptilians isn’t so bad. Sure, things get a little tense between the humans and the Gleepgorps from time to time, but things could be worse. Hopefully, the sentient cloud of gas wins the election next year and we can put this whole mess behind us.
Good news: The sentient cloud of gas won! Bad news: It turns out the sentient cloud of gas was just a shapeshifted version of Klaw. Oh, and he dismantled the government and declared the United States a colony of the New Reptilian Republic. Who’s ready for 2037?
Wow, things just keep getting worse. All this time we thought we were farming eggs? Twist! It turns out that we’re the ones being farmed. Apparently, God-King Klaw plans to absorb the entire known universe by 2050, and he needs a constant stream of protein to metamorphose into his true, final form.
Maybe things will be better next year. What year is it again?