STATUES – Significant. Rock-hard. Monumentally destroyed if racist.
ZOOM MEETINGS – Pants-less. With a good background. Generally on mute.
TOILET PAPER – In bulk. Always on a roll. Willing to put up with my shit.
DISHES – Durable. Clean. Done right before bed.
FACE MASKS – Protective. Stylish. Easily forgotten after a couple drinks.
CORONAVIRUS RATES – Closely monitored. Obsessed with curves. Going down any minute now.
WORK-FROM-HOME ATTIRE – Soft. A little dirty. Strictly casual.
QUARANTINIS – After 4 p.m. On my couch. Three at a time.
SOCIAL DISTANCE – Physically appealing. For public approval. At least 6 feet.
AMAZON ORDERS – Overnight. Returnable. With a trackable package.
FOOD DELIVERY – Prompt. Contactless (unless consensual). Also available for curbside pick-up.
W.A.P. – Sexy. Healthy. In my pants.
HAND WASHING – Conscientious. Hot, but not too hot. Lasting longer than 20 seconds (especially when I sing “Happy Birthday”).
THE USPS – Highly respected. Properly funded. Known for stuffing my box.
MURDER HORNETS – Foreign. Buzzworthy. Not afraid to fly right now.
QUARANTINE ROUTINE – Always good content. Different every week. Really just all over the place.
TIKTOK VIDEOS – Hilarious. Addictive. Without teenage drama.
SOURDOUGH STARTER – Active. Willing to rise to a challenge. Just another way to pass the time.
HOUSEPLANTS – Cute. Manageable. Forgiving when I forget they exist.
SANITIZER – Handy. Practical. With alcohol.
ACTIVISM – Persistent. Effective. Even better offline.
STRESS WALKS – Calming. One step at a time. Just down the street.
NEGLECTED BRAS – Always hanging around. Experienced in asset management. Grateful to be in my drawers (& not in a donation pile).
COVID VACCINE – Powerful. In me. Coming soon.
POLICE DEPARTMENTS – Properly trained. Held accountable. Without a murder record.
TRAVEL PLANS – Not canceled. Forthcoming. Anywhere but America.
PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEES – Liberal. Devoted. Someone I’m willing to settle for because they can’t make things any worse.
STIMULUS CHECKS – Beneficial. In high demand. Bigger than the last one.
2020 – Life-changing. Shockingly long and hard. Behind me.
THE NEW YEAR – Full of potential. On the right side of history. Ready to start things off with a bang.