STATUES – Significant. Rock-hard. Monumentally destroyed if racist.

ZOOM MEETINGS – Pants-less. With a good background. Generally on mute.

TOILET PAPER – In bulk. Always on a roll. Willing to put up with my shit.

DISHES – Durable. Clean. Done right before bed.

FACE MASKS – Protective. Stylish. Easily forgotten after a couple drinks.

CORONAVIRUS RATES – Closely monitored. Obsessed with curves. Going down any minute now.

WORK-FROM-HOME ATTIRE – Soft. A little dirty. Strictly casual.

QUARANTINIS – After 4 p.m. On my couch. Three at a time.

SOCIAL DISTANCE – Physically appealing. For public approval. At least 6 feet.

AMAZON ORDERS – Overnight. Returnable. With a trackable package.

FOOD DELIVERY – Prompt. Contactless (unless consensual). Also available for curbside pick-up.

W.A.P. – Sexy. Healthy. In my pants.

HAND WASHING – Conscientious. Hot, but not too hot. Lasting longer than 20 seconds (especially when I sing “Happy Birthday”).

THE USPS – Highly respected. Properly funded. Known for stuffing my box.

MURDER HORNETS – Foreign. Buzzworthy. Not afraid to fly right now.

QUARANTINE ROUTINE – Always good content. Different every week. Really just all over the place.

TIKTOK VIDEOS – Hilarious. Addictive. Without teenage drama.

SOURDOUGH STARTER – Active. Willing to rise to a challenge. Just another way to pass the time.

HOUSEPLANTS – Cute. Manageable. Forgiving when I forget they exist.

SANITIZER – Handy. Practical. With alcohol.

ACTIVISM – Persistent. Effective. Even better offline.

STRESS WALKS – Calming. One step at a time. Just down the street.

NEGLECTED BRAS – Always hanging around. Experienced in asset management. Grateful to be in my drawers (& not in a donation pile).

COVID VACCINE – Powerful. In me. Coming soon.

POLICE DEPARTMENTS – Properly trained. Held accountable. Without a murder record.

TRAVEL PLANS – Not canceled. Forthcoming. Anywhere but America.

PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEES – Liberal. Devoted. Someone I’m willing to settle for because they can’t make things any worse.

STIMULUS CHECKS – Beneficial. In high demand. Bigger than the last one.

2020 – Life-changing. Shockingly long and hard. Behind me.

THE NEW YEAR – Full of potential. On the right side of history. Ready to start things off with a bang.

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