Read Sara K. Runnels’ original version here.

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PROTEST RALLIES – Energetic. Thick. Full of good signs.

DATA – Sensitive. All about me. Entered correctly.

FIRST LADIES – Smart. Empathetic. Always be best.

NEWS – Trustworthy. Of substance. Impossible to turn off.

GUNS – Controlled. Built to do shots. Locked in a cabinet.

SUPREME COURT – High. Liberal. Looks fly in a robe.

PLANNED PARENTHOOD – Altruistic. Well-funded. Conveniently located in my neighborhood.

COLLUSION – Mutually beneficial. Done in private. Russian.

PAY – Substantial. Proportionate. Not dependent on sex.

WEDDINGS – Full of love. Offering unlimited drinks. Gay.

BORDERS – Secure. Without walls. Welcoming of all body types.

GOVERNMENT SURVEILLANCE – Inquisitive. Takes cute pics from every angle. Wants to tap that.

CLIMATE CHANGE – Very real. Ever-evolving. Gets me so hot.

MISSILES – Foreign. Full of surprises. Stored underground.

SOCIAL MEDIA – Entertaining. Constantly refreshed. Easily muted.

LADY PARTS – Respected. In comfy panties. Nowhere near Trump.

HEALTHCARE – High quality. Easy to get. Single (payer) AF.

CONGRESS – Came to represent. Loves a good party. Always with a whip.

CONSTITUTION – Conventional. Appreciative of independence. Into perfect unions.

ROBOTS – Well-made. Obedient. Never better looking than me.

ELECTIONS – Fair. With a reliable poll. Always in my favor.

SPACE FORCE – Outrageous. With a cool name. Launched immediately into the void.

BITCOIN – Investible. Not understood by most. Only available online.

CHURCHES – Spiritual. Inclusive. Faithfully worships Beyoncé.

SELF-CARE – In the bath. With wine. Useful until the apocalypse.

PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION – Well-maintained. With a good track record. Easy to get off.

ABC SITCOM REVIVALS – Family-focused. Hotly discussed. Canceled.

PLANET – Clean. Well-rounded. With big dick energy.

PRESIDENT – Competent. Dignified. Black.