And they’re off!

Strong start from I’m Sorry in the lead, followed closely by It’s All My Fault on the outside, R U Okay? is third on the inside, fourth is Let Me Help. Trailing behind we have Let’s Go Out For Ice Cream On Me, with Li’l Shit a distant sixth as they go round the clubhouse turn.

It’s All My Fault is gaining on the outside, passes I’m Sorry at the five furlong pole. R U Okay? a close third along the backstretch as I’m Sorry falls behind. R U Okay? a close second on the inside. Here comes Let Me Help, gaining on I’m Sorry. Passing now. I’m Sorry has fallen to fourth, with Let Me Help gaining on R U Okay? in second. Gaining. Gaining. Let Me Help passes R U Okay?! It’s All My Fault is ahead at the top of the stretch, followed closely by Let Me Help. R U Okay? has fallen to third, with I’m Sorry in fourth as they take the final turn. Let’s Go Out For Ice Cream On Me is fifth, with Li’l Shit bringing up the rear.

Into the stretch, and It’s All My Fault is just ahead of Let Me Help. It’s All My Fault and Let Me Help are neck-and-neck as they enter the final furlong, here they come, and—

Oh, my goodness—It’s All My Fault goes down! He rolls—looks like he’s hurt his knee! Let Me Help stops, offers It’s All My Fault a hand! And here comes R U Okay?! R U Okay? stops too, says something to It’s All My Fault! And here comes I’m Sorry! And he stops too! I’m Sorry says something to It’s All My Fault, who shakes his head and says something back! Oh, my goodness! Let’s Go Out For Ice Cream On Me joins the crowd! Let’s Go Out For Ice Cream On Me is waving his hands, saying something to all of them—oh, my goodness, but here comes Li’l Shit!

Li’l Shit blazes right past them all! He’s got a clear path to the finish… and… and… and it’s Li’l Shit! Li’l Shit wins by—well, no one else has even moved! Oh, and now the finish line has inexplicably lit on fire, so I guess that’s it, folks, it looks like there is no second place! Oh, and a sinkhole has just opened up under the other men, and they’ve all disappeared down it, as Li’l Shit climbs up to the winner’s circle to grope the women there! My goodness!

A race for the ages, ladies and gentlemen!