I’m your outdoor dream girl and there’s nothing I love more than being outside, except for maybe stealing the souls of men, but that’s not important or in any way related to my newfound passion for outdoor recreation. I love canoeing, hiking, rock climbing, surfing, skiing, trail running, mountain biking, snowboarding, skateboarding, wakeboarding, any kind of boarding, yoga, kayaking, scuba diving, slacklining, white water rafting, fly fishing, and any other outdoor activity you told me you like. I’m almost supernaturally perfect at all of them!
I own everything Patagonia has ever made, which is considered to be one of my best personality traits. My intricately braided hair looks perfect even though I haven’t washed it in three days, and although I’ll tell you I love getting dirty, you will never actually see dirt on my person, unless it is artfully and strategically placed in a cute spot like highlighting my perfect cheekbones. I live in yoga pants and my activewear fits as though it’s been tailored because I did, in fact, get it tailored. I don’t dress like this because it attracts every amateur rock climber, mountain biking van lifer, kayak-wielding weekend warrior, and sentient pair of Chacos in a 15-mile radius. That’s just an unintended side effect that I happen to enjoy. I also love wolf dogs and being in the woods because no one can hear you scream. You see, I’m very passionate about communing with nature, and it’s not because I’m a two-thousand-year-old wood nymph who eats men’s souls.
Someday, I will have perfect outdoor dream children with my outdoor dream boy. Are you my outdoor dream boy? If you are, we will name our children Scout, Atlas, and Stand-up Paddle Board. They will learn how to hike before they can walk and climb before they can stand. Sadly, they won’t have a daddy, but that’s fine because I’ll teach them to devour performance-fleece-wearing humans to sustain their mystical life forces just like mommy. Don’t worry, that last part was a joke. I am deathly serious about forest conservation, but I can still make very funny jokes. More importantly, whatever adorable outdoor activities we do as a family, I will post to Instagram in the hopes of getting a brand sponsorship. Then, my online reach shall extend like a dark shadow across the land. A dark shadow of all-natural, environmentally-friendly fun that is!
Now, get in your Subaru and follow me into the mountains. I’ll let you hold my hand and snap pictures of my hemp-bracelet-clad arm leading you away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Outdoor people with wanderlust like ours just don’t belong in that messy, busy world. It’s like we should’ve lived in a different time. A simpler time when you’d build yourself a cabin in the woods, hunt for your food in the woods, and get lured into a seemingly perfect, but definitely not enchanted, glade in the woods. Why would you get lured into a woodland glade, you ask? For purposes of which I am not certain because I have NOT done that exact thing to hundreds, if not thousands, of men. Nobody with hiking boots as cute as mine could possibly be a malevolent forest spirit after all. By the way, there won’t be any signal where we’re going. Have I mentioned how much I love the idea of being totally off the grid?
When we’re finally free of all the distractions of modern life, we can have a serious talk about forest conservation. It’s important for you to know that my interest has nothing to do with the fact that cutting down trees releases the souls I’ve trapped inside them, thus depleting the source of my immortal life force. I’m just a normal, human girl who cares very much about trees, doesn’t ever sweat, and doesn’t possess the power to summon the dark creatures of the forest to do her bidding. If you ever find yourself intimidated by how outdoorsy I am, just remember, I put my soft, luminous skin on one leg at a time each morning just like the next girl. You know that old saying. I’ll tell you what I don’t do though. I definitely don’t morph into a fig tree full of bones each night like a wretched and accursed spirit of the forest. I honestly have no idea how all that twisted, gnarled bark ends up in our bed every night. It’s so weird! Almost as weird as the overwhelming scent of damp soil and decaying leaves that fills our tent after a session of passionate lovemaking.
What I’m trying to say is, all I care about is outdoor recreation and you, because I’m your outdoor dream girl and I’m definitely not an evil wood nymph. Now, lay yourself down on that ancient stone altar in the center of this meadow and let’s take an outdoor selfie!