Take Yourself On a Date!

Go get that mammogram you’ve been thinking about! Sure, they’re really only recommended for women over 40, but you’ve always been ahead of the times. We know this because you are so hip that you are okay with your boyfriend being polyamorous. You’re an open-minded gal, so let it show! As your breast is smushed in between two industrial-strength radiation planks, you definitely won’t be thinking about him having in the full throws of coitus with someone who isn’t you.

Stop Waiting Around for Him

Just stop. You’re not going to find out if his phone battery really is just dead or if he is intentionally pushing you away in favor of a woman who may be thinner or more easygoing than you. So push it all aside and treat yourself! Try to get healthcare for a couple hours! Those forms are inscrutable and you only have one month to simultaneously learn and master their language, so now is the time. Really seize the day here. In the time it takes you to attempt to fulfill all the muddled requirements with no reassurance that you are doing it right at any moment of the process, who knows! He may have texted you back by then with the news that he missed you all night and that he’s decided to choose you over her.

Be Totally Detached

Detached is the opposite of attached, so that is definitely what you want to be here. Attached is bad. That’s the bottom line. So, prove just how cool you are with the unknown by doing something carefree. Dig a shelter. Find out if you live in a floodplain. Get an IUD while you still can. There are so many options. If you’ve made the most of your time in the gaping black pit of not knowing your status with him, and by proxy, your place in the turning world, you will have a laissez-faire, no-needs attitude by the time he finally calls you.

It’s Really No Big Deal Anyway

When you think about, polyamory just makes sense. Poly” is Greek and “amory” is from Latin. Both of those languages are old so nobody will care if we conflate them. We’re really letting go of the ropes here. It’s time to let go of all those stringent moral standards that you may have accumulated in this long life about respect and decency. You’re really rolling with the punches — you can totally do this!

Just. Chill. Out

Lastly, whatever you do, don’t tell him about your struggles because you need to seem light and low-maintenance, especially now that he’s seeing two women. We cannot emphasize this enough: Just. Chill. Out. Remember: he might choose the easier one to deal with of the two if it comes down to it. So don’t have any problems or issues. This will be a recurring theme in the coming times if this whole thing continues. Let’s hope to god it doesn’t!