How Can You Tell That Your Animals Are Planning a Keg Party While You’re Out Tonight?

Well, don’t ask the cat, the gerbil or the bird. They’ll lie. Especially the cat.

Instead, get the dog alone. Call him into your room while you’re getting dressed for your night out. Tell him you’ve been hearing some things—be vague. If he gives you a look that asks what you mean, say something like, “Let’s just say I’ve heard the ping-pong balls rattling around in the cup.”

Then, look him in the eye and fraternally ask, “So, are you guys planning a keg party while I’m out?”

Does the dog try that head-hanging-low, gazing-up-at-you pose? Or does he pretend to be suddenly interested in what the cat’s doing in the other room? Or does he all-too-casually sit and pretend to scratch at a flea on the back of his neck?


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How Do You Know Your Animals Are Having a Keg Party While You’re On the Phone With Them?

When you call home to check in at 11 p.m., does the phone ring unanswered? After you call again and again and again, does there come a moment when the dog finally answers the phone… and he drops it, no doubt because he’s drunk?

Does the dog bark into the receiver, an obvious attempt to cover the sounds of the rollicking beer-pong tournament that’s he’s refereeing in the dining room?

Listen closely: Do you hear the bird whistling? Does the bird’s whistle have an undeniable beat? Is it pretty obvious that the bird is DJ-ing the party, wearing his hat backwards, keeping the music at low volume until you hang up the phone?

Listen closer: Do you hear the gerbil running his wheel ragged, like he’s high on a mix of speed and LSD? Is it pretty apparent that he’s once again hallucinating that his wheel is actually a car’s steering wheel, and in that scenario he’s doing donuts on the golf course in the family station wagon?

Do you not hear the cat? Where is the cat? Is there any doubt where she is? Off in some bedroom? With God knows who? Doing God knows what?


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How Do You Know Your Animals Definitely Just Had a Keg Party?

When you get home from your night out, is the cat totally wasted, spread out over the couch like an unwashed hand towel, her head burrowed in shame into the side of a pillow? When you shout, “Time to mow the lawn!” does she look at you, foggy-eyed, like you’re crazy?

Is the gerbil, too, completely blitzed out of his mind, curled in a fetal ball in the sawdust of his cage? Do you notice in another corner of his cage the spot where he lost bladder control?

Is the bird still chirping that song and bobbing his head, high on his little moment of “I DJ-ed a Keg Party” glory?

Is the dog already offering an admission of what went down just by ambling up to you, smiling the way dogs smile, head hung at the perfect angle of Guilt meets Pride, his whole body wagging like “Oh, shit, that was some party”?

Is your home exactly how you left it—almost too exact, like your animals hired a bunch of cleaning zebras to come in and do what they do best?


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How Should You Punish Your Animals After They Had a Keg Party?

It’s best to wait until the next morning, after everybody has slept it off.

Call a family meeting at the dining room table. Take your place at the head of the table. Tell the animals you’re disappointed in them. This is not about the party, or even the alcohol and drug consumption as long as nobody drove (look at the gerbil here). Tell them, hell, you’ve done your share of keg stands, and you’d appreciate that level of respect.

Ultimately, this is about trust. If you can’t leave your own home for one evening without missing a rager of a party—well, that’s no way to run a family. And even though it’s going to hurt you more than it’s going to hurt your animals, hand out the following punishments:

The dog: No beer pong for one week.
The bird: No iTunes downloads for one week.
The gerbil: No driving for one week.
The cat: House arrest for the rest of her life.