I hope everyone is enjoying their time here despite working during the best time to travel! Luckily for you, we are extremely excited to announce our new paid-time-off (PTO) policy of unlimited vacation days! Yes, that’s right – unlimited. You get to take off for vacation for as much time as you feel that you need. We’re totally, absolutely, positively all about supporting a work culture based on freedom, responsibility, and ownership.
For real, these unlimited days are no gimmick. I’m sure this comes as a shock to you. Unlimited vacation time feels so Euro, so boho, so chill. We’re taking an anti-top-down command approach that totes promotes a results-driven culture of trust.
Moving forward, for legal purposes, “flex” is synonymous with “unlimited” is synonymous with “nothing is real anymore”.
This practice is common amongst growing companies with smaller employee counts in order to make them feel the need to work at all times (even remotely while on vacation!). That ain’t us. Take these days, they’re yours! You earned them (you didn’t earn them because PTO is no longer accrued, but we don’t want to make you feel bad about inheriting something you never worked for)!
Studies have shown that an environment free of strict rules is beneficial for its members. We’ve already tested this type of environment in toddler control groups, so we are going to extrapolate this culture and apply it to our work fam.
We’re hoping this creates more of an “adult work environment” where you quantify your value as an employee here and take off as much as you think you’re worthy of taking. We also understand you all have demands and interests beyond work that can’t always be scheduled in advance, so just a quick heads-up email before you bounce would be much appresh’d.
Obviously, we won’t keep count of the days because there’s no point in doing that on our end. Numbers don’t exist anymore! Woah! The only things we can go off of are your work ethic and length of continuous effort you show in-person. We’ll just have to remember how you made us feel while in the office.
You might be thinking, “What?” Well, we’re saying, “Chillax!” We don’t necessarily have a minimum number of days we want you to take off, but we certainly have an arbitrarily-chosen never-verbally-said number of maximum days you shouldn’t approach. Also, if you take less than what is conventionally taken in common workplaces (which we won’t say or write because screw societal norms – let’s go with, hm, 1 week/year?) then we save money. In fact, if you don’t take up the silent minimum, you’ll forfeit your $1,000 bonus we haven’t told you about. So use the time we’re handing over to you out of the kindness of our hearts!
Remember, this is a new policy. Not even our employees who have been with us since the inception of this company are familiar with this sick new perk, so really we’re the only ones who know what’s good for you. You might feel like a once-trapped animal that is finally given its freedom and is unsure what to do with this new life. It’s what you make of it, so don’t waste your time! Or ours!
Sam from HR