At the beginning of each month we send you a package of the moment’s buzziest food. Swiss Chard! What even is that? You’re about to get a ton of it! Cronuts! Back ironically? Farro: the new bulgur? Bulgur: the new quinoa? Quinoa: the new “not caring about grains”? Open your refrigerated box to find out.
A ball of oatmeal delivered to your door every morning.
Flexibility: Choose to receive your orb of damp oats in the early, mid, or late morning.
Sustainability: Our couriers cradle your glutinous grain sphere in their bare palms. No packaging, no waste.
Consistency: It’s always oatmeal, it’s always in a ball.
How it works: A guy named Julian comes to your house and screams at you while you julienne vegetables. “Thinner!” he cries. “Thinner!” Perfect for amateur chefs who don’t have the discipline to slice things precisely while alone, Julian Julienne brings people together. Mainly you and Julian. Him yelling, you chopping.
At Herd, we see every day as an opportunity to interface with barnyard mammals in atypical settings. It all starts with a cow. We lead the cow into your home with a rope made from locally sourced hemp and milk it straight into a BPA-free glass jug. Our bovine friends have not been exposed to antibiotics, pesticides, hormones, or worldly sorrow. Swap the cow out for a goat at any time for a tangy upgrade. To receive your discount, use the coupon code CUD at checkout.
Our team of chefs looks at your social media feed and hand-curates a menu to make your ex — let’s call him Dennis — jealous. We see Dennis’ new girlfriend’s olive oil pound cake and raise her homemade ginger-lavender ice cream. Plus, our signature Pork Belly Filter will help you present an idealized version of your meals sure to convince everyone (Dennis) that you’re doing well, no really, you’re fine.
One of our expert Brine Associates personally supervises your pickling process from start to finish. Associates are trained to stare unblinkingly at the jar of submerged cucumbers for as long as it takes anaerobic fermentation to occur, be it 48 hours or six months. Pausing only for bathroom breaks, BAs ensure the correct micro-organisms dominate by not looking away from the jar, not even for one second.
The United States discards more than two billion pounds of fish a year just because they have an eye bugging out, don’t smell right, or generally give the fishermen the heebie-jeebies. Mongr brings aesthetically vile but totally edible fish from the pier dumpster right to your home. And our commitment to repurposing nature’s rejects doesn’t stop there. Your weekly dumpster-to-table delivery is packaged in butcher paper made from the forest’s homeliest trees and tied with used twine. As a bonus, your first delivery includes a complimentary copy of our cookbook Fifty Ways to Transform Iffy Mackerel. Order today!