“The Messenger, a digital media company that launched less than a year ago, has shut down following multiple reports that it was set to do so.” — The Hill

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Our new digital media platform is changing the way people consume content. We’re a one-stop-shop location for breaking news, long-form journalism, and in-depth art criticism. We’re also currently shutting down without any notice whatsoever.

We’re giving audiences a combination of bite-sized listicles and long-form interviews, all presented on a blank white screen that says “Page Not Found.”

We’re led by a dynamic team, including our editor-in-chief, who is bold and decisive and is currently hiding from federal agents in Belarus.

All your favorite journalists and commentators are hard at work in our Midtown Manhattan offices, getting to the bottom of hot-button issues like “Why don’t our keycards work?” and “What do you mean we’re not getting severance?”

News, investigations, interviews, reviews, events: we have it all, grayed-out dead links on the husk of our defunct website, frozen to the touch of your cursor for the rest of time.

But don’t worry, you always have access to our writers’ great work, as long as you know how to work the Wayback Machine. Our website archive is a Flash animation of a monkey asleep at a desk.

When I took $100 million in investor money for an idea I drew on a cocktail napkin at Davos, I promised an alternative to the tired mainstream media. I still plan to provide an alternative to legacy print media, outdated digital media, and whatever you want to call what we used to do here.

Mainstream media will try to shut us down, but they’ll never succeed since we already shut down at 3 a.m. with absolutely no warning to our readers or even our employees.

We’re going to be the epicenter of hard-hitting news for the foreseeable future, because the civil trial that comes out of this will drag on for decades. You’ll never forget our name, especially when you try to name the character actor in the award-winning Hulu series about our downfall. Oh yeah: Michael Stuhlbarg.

New outlets like us need to answer the definitive questions of our time, like how long does it take for the most unqualified and arrogant snake oil salesmen to destroy the hard work of dozens of journalists and the trust of an entire reader base? The answer: about a year.