To Every Male Author Who Has Ever Said Writing a Book Was Like Having a Baby, Then Laughed at What a Clever Comparison It Was

Did your book manuscript ever kick you from inside your own body?

Did you prepare a separate room in your home solely to accommodate the publication of your book?

Were you advised not to consume any coffee or alcohol while writing your book?

Were you ever told to watch your weight for the health of you and your forthcoming book?

Did writing your book require you to sleep on your left side for several months?

Did a stranger ever offer you a seat on public transit because s/he could see that you had a manuscript in production?

Were you unable to touch your toes at any point during the writing or publication process?

Did your mother ever imply regret because others in your peer group had already published one or more books before yours was published?

Did you practice carrying book-shaped objects prior to publication so that you would be prepared when your book came out?

Did you ever consider holding your book launch under water?