1. Congratulate yourself for even considering it
It’s 2020, kudos for showering at all. And standing up? Give this hero a sloppy wet medal. Sure, it would be comforting to be plastered against the bottom of your ceramic tub by shitty water pressure, and the gravity of your hundreds of recent google searches for “California secede?” and “hair falling out normal?” Or by how you were so worried about signing your ballot correctly that it turned out kind of weird. Does the one wall you stare at even care how you smell? What if it does? Oh, god, It knows too many secrets. Honestly, you’re brave for embarking on this journey.
2. Marshall your will
Steel yourself for the journey ahead, water warrior! Sun Tzu said, “Victorious warriors win first and then go to war,” and he never even had to do anything as hard as showering standing up after spending five minutes on Twitter in 2020. You’ll need emotional strength and basic functionality from as many as three of your pathetic back muscles. Blow a gym whistle at them and remind them that you make the chiropractor appointments in this house.
3. Create a vision board
You won’t be the first person in history to shower standing up, just the first person in 2020. Collect images of powerful historical showerers to inspire you, like Bathsheba and the cast of Starship Troopers. I look at a pocket-size laminated photo of Napoleon showering before each of my own attempts.
4. Say goodbye to the drain spider
Yes, the spider that lives in your drain is the only living thing you interact with on a daily basis. Maybe once you’re the kind of person who showers standing up, you’ll make new friends. Better friends, who never mention how much hair you’ve been losing lately. Maybe once you’re eye level with your window, you’ll befriend one of those murder hornets you keep reading about. And remember, your friendship with the drain spider doesn’t have to be over. You can always stay in touch any time it crawls into your mouth while you sleep.
5. Ask for help
You may WANT to shower standing up but have found it impossible to physically lift your head from the cushion of $50 hair-loss prevention shampoo you bought with what you thought would be your first stimulus check. It’s okay to ask for help. Not in-person help, though, because anybody who comes into your home could give you a fatal virus. Ask a friend to train a Portuguese water dog to hold you physically upright until your body gets the hang of it.
6. Consider mechanical aids
If your first attempts at showering upright fail, mechanical equipment could have you up and wet in no time. Fill one of those gerbil water bottles with grain alcohol and install it in your shower at face height. Look into leg braces, or maybe one of those body-shaped sex cages, which I know are waterproof for unrelated reasons.
7. Go ahead and give up
If the siren song of cool ceramic against your cheek becomes too powerful, don’t worry. Better people than you have been bested by that distant faucet. Allow your lumbar region to return to its natural shape: an untroubled puddle. As you curl up below the weighted blanket that is the year 2020, consider how much quicker your tears reach the drain. Wow, there is really a concerning amount of hair in there.