Press Release from
the County Water Commission

Last week, amid historic drought conditions and the state mandate to cut annual county water use by 20 percent, a committee was formed to embark on an unprecedented water conservation project. Honoring our commitment to the community, we opened our inboxes and phone lines for residents to leave suggestions that would efficiently reduce water usage.

Overwhelmingly, the greatest concern from our citizens was about Corey Blake, 13, of 4403 West Sprucemore Lane. Several of his fellow students at East Junior High School took the time to write and call in to alert us about his “alarming,” “sketchy,” and “weird” shower lengths.

We were initially skeptical, but our findings confirm that Corey wastes an unsustainable amount of water, taking super long showers throughout the week. This committee refuses to speculate on why a teenage boy might spend so many hours in the shower. We can only report our findings and look for community-based solutions.

Would it be helpful if we reclaimed more water, had fewer golf courses, and adopted drought-resistant lawns? Of course. Would that have the same impact as Corey limiting his time in the shower? No.

Corey, please, we beg of you, take shorter showers. We don’t mean to shame you, but the environmental impact of your shower regimen is undeniably dangerous. This committee, your parents, your classmates, your older sister’s best friend, Brenda, and other community stakeholders all believe in you. You can do this, Corey!

To help support him, we will be implementing a couple of campaigns to help remind Corey to change his showering regimen. Everyone can wear a WE BELIEVE IN YOU, COREY button, which will be available at Town Hall starting tomorrow. Wear it proudly at the annual Sausage Festival next week, and if you see Corey, give him a thumbs up, stroke on the back, or firm fist pump. We also will distribute WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING IN THERE, COREY, IT’S NOT WORTH A SECOND DUST BOWL posters to local restaurants and businesses Corey frequents to encourage him to take more environmentally friendly showers.

We believe that transparency is the first step toward progress, and we appreciate Ron and Connie Blake for allowing us to begin monitoring their son’s showers. We’ll also hold monthly water conservation meetings at the community center to update the community on our efforts and report on Corey’s shower routine. In addition, our local CBS affiliate will air a commercial supporting Corey’s efforts at the top of every hour until we hit our goal.

Peer support will be key as well. That’s why, starting next week, members of the Planet Protectors after-school club have agreed to be shower captains. A Planet Protector will stand outside the door whenever Corey enters the bathroom to provide him with statistics about our dwindling local reservoirs. We’re grateful to Corey’s older sister’s best friend, Brenda, Planet Protector president and East Central High’s head cheerleader, for volunteering to be the first shower captain. We trust her presence during Corey’s showering will inspire him to concentrate hard on shortening the length of his showers.

Again, Corey, we don’t mean to embarrass you. In less dire times, we would not be here today. Your devotion to cleanliness should be commended, but one can only scrub oneself so much before the creeks run dry and you go blind.

— The County Water Commission