Joel Embiid, Philadelphia 76ers
You show up for games only when the team is on a winning streak. And even then, you try to score some discount tickets on one of those websites. Sometimes the tickets end up being fakes, and you get turned around at the gate, which you deserve. You’re always looking for an advantage. Grow up.

Nikola Jokić, Denver Nuggets
You need to get some better shirts. Come on, buddy, look at that T-shirt you’re wearing now, with the collar all stretched out. Those things are supposed to be souvenirs, not in the weekly rotation for seven years. Your shirts are stupid. Your friends know it, and I know it when I look at the video feed from the camera I had placed in your house.

Karl-Anthony Towns, Minnesota Timberwolves
People don’t give you enough credit for the kind acts you perform for others. The friendly texts to former coworkers where, as far as we can tell, you don’t want anything in return. We worried when you got back in touch with Jamie, but so far it seems like you’re being cool.

Myles Turner, Indiana Pacers
You may want to be careful about those guys from the Northwest Division because they clearly planted cameras in your house. Karl-Anthony, Jokić. Keep your distance if Nurkic from the Blazers gets in touch. They come off really friendly, like, “Oh, we just want to take a look at your electronics, no reason.” And you’re so amazed that NBA centers showed up at your house that you just let them. I don’t know what’s up with that division. We don’t do that here in Indiana, for sure.

Mason Plumlee, Charlotte Hornets
You have a strong interest in bugs. I can tell! And what’s more, you want other people to be just as excited about bugs as you are. You’ll do anything to help people learn about bugs. Anything.

Jarrett Allen, Cleveland Cavaliers
Hey, I hear from Jokić that Mason Plumlee has been talking you up about bugs. Those Southeast Division guys with their bugs, damn. I don’t know if it’s a scam or a cult. Plumlee’s going to try to set it up like you’re donating to a scholarship fund for young entomologists but don’t listen to hi—

Kristaps Porzingis, Washington Wizards
Jarrett Allen had to leave. He is an enemy of bugs. Kristaps is bug friend. Kristaps and Mason Plumlee. Bug good. Look into Kristaps eyes. Yes? Bug. Bug. Bug. Bug. Say it with Kristaps. Kristaps is fluent in English but embraces archetype of a huge doofy European center.

Domantas Sabonis, Sacramento Kings
Get in the car!

Ivica Zubac, Los Angeles Clippers
Get in Domatas’s car! Now!

Kevon Looney, Golden State Warriors
Now! Now, you stupid bastard! Don’t look so stupid. “Duh, what?” Grab his feet!

DeAndre Ayton, Phoenix Suns
Hey, you’re heavy! Shit, man. Okay, he’s in. Listen to me. There are some bad guys out there in the league. Among centers, specifically. But us? In the Pacific Division? We’re the good guys. Okay? Where the—who’s supposed to be here from the Lakers?

Merrick Garland, Department of Justice
They haven’t really settled on their rotation yet. They’re going to wait until training ca—

Domatas Sabonis, Sacramento Kings
Garland’s been shot! Tranquilizer dart, but still!

Kevon Looney, Golden State Warriors
But how? By who? We escaped Plumlee and those Southeast Division bastards. And the Northwest guys are just nosy creeps. Hold up, there are some cars blocking our way!

JaVale McGee, Dallas Mavericks
Give us the passenger and no one gets hurt… much.

DeAndre Ayton, Phoenix Suns
JaVale is a starter? Come on.

JaVale McGee, Dallas Mavericks
Shut up, DeAndre! You always do this!

Steven Adams, Memphis Grizzlies
Give us the passenger! We’re going to have a little fun with them. That sounds creepy, but I’m sincere. The Southwest Division is always getting overlooked. We need this fan. We love this fan. We’re going to fly kites and maybe have some ice cream. New fan!

Nikola Jokić, Denver Nuggets
You wouldn’t believe how much time the Southwest guys spend crying alone. It’s so sad.

Jonas Valanciunas, New Orleans Pelicans
These spy cameras are such a violation! Of the law and of our friendships!

(Helicopter sounds)

Pascal Siakam, Toronto Raptors, and Robert Williams, Boston Celtics
Grab the ladder! We’re getting you out of here!

(Explosions, victorious music, rainbow)

Kevin Durant, Brooklyn Nets
You have a fragile ego.