Dear Void Users,
Here at VoidTech, we take pride in our ability to process all of your scream-related needs. Consequently, it is with deep regret that we announce this unplanned interruption in your service. The Void is currently full.
Over the past 48 hours, unprecedented levels of Void usage have begun to tax our storage capacity. You have to understand: The Void was created in 2016 to be a boundless gulf of absence that swallows all screams, moans, raving, and cris de cœur like pebbles tossed into a great dark lake. Our engineering department, however, was simply not prepared for this shit. (Don’t you people sleep???)
Did you think your screams just disappeared? Bad news, friends: your wails are not a consumable resource. This isn’t Monsters, Inc. What we’ve got going on here is more of a Pacific Garbage Patch situation. We have to wade through a thigh-deep slurry of your screeches just to get to the break room. And those are just the Florida-related ones.
It’s even started to take a toll on The Void. Last week, we caught it chain-smoking. Like, we didn’t even know it had a mouth? Maybe it grew one? We hope it can’t scream!
We here at VoidTech categorize the screams to help streamline the scream-sorting process, but how were we to know the amount of support the Deadly Pandemic Department would need this year? For the last two decades, it’s just been Gary in there. We were prepped the Presidential Election Department to handle a high volume of screams, but nobody was prepared for the entire department to collapse under the weight of almost the entire country screaming at once about the legitimacy of mail-in voting and then for the crumbled foundation to roll down a hill and take out that Denny’s.
Trust us — we know you’re stressed. (Our employees haven’t left the building since the Rose Garden Ceremony.) But you need to help us out here until we get this under control. Here are some corporate recommendations for sustainable Void use until Biden is Inaugurated/ and/or Everyone Gets a Grip:
- Consider channeling some of your energy into Void alternatives. Have you tried screaming into a pillow? Petting your dog? Shooting up a fuckton of ketamine?
- Have you tried squashing those feelings down? Like realllllllly far down. Crushing your fears and anxieties into a star-dense little nugget will help them fit into the Void more easily.
- Consider moving to Denmark, where every citizen receives free government-funded scream collection services.
- Combine your screams rather than screaming about each thing individually. Try screaming about the incumbent president attempting to sue states to block them from counting legitimate votes and your grandmother joining QAnon because of a series of posts she read on what used to be a birdwatching Facebook group, combining them into one compact, ear-piercing scream.
- Ban the words and phrases “Maricopa County,” “I hereby claim,” and “Stop the count” from your vocabulary. Don’t even think them. STOP IT.
- Sleep. Just sleep all the time. Hit yourself over the head if you need to. If you’re not conscious, you can’t scream.
- Normally, we wouldn’t refer you to another service, but have you tried screaming into Twitter? Note: DO NOT READ OTHERS’ TWEETS. It only creates more screams.
In time, we hope to offer you a storage upgrade option for $99.99/month. (Note that Presidential screams will still be on hold until the department can be repaired: please consider converting your election-related screams to low guttural moans and sending them to our sister company MoanCorp.) We realize that this message comes at an inconvenient time. But, above all — we beg you — don’t call our customer helpline and scream. We have literally nowhere to put them.
Yours in Panic,