Since 1988, we at Dippin’ Dots have proudly sold the official ice cream of the future. And ever since, we’ve been waiting for the future to arrive at Little League concession stands and any place that smells like popcorn and feet. But now that the future is here, we regret to announce that we are extremely disappointed.
First and foremost, we are dismayed that fashion hasn’t veered into the cyber-futuristic trends we’d hoped for. Where are the metallic jackets and structured, space-appropriate body suits? Are ’90s JNCO jeans supposed to bring back the ’90s economy? Because here at Dippin’ Dots, we think you look ridiculous.
Candidly, we expected baby names of the future to include a lot more X’s and Z’s. Zephyra or Xera are great names for kids who eat Dippin’ Dots. Instead, your most popular baby name is Noah. What does that say about where society is headed?
This one seems obvious, but computer intelligence was meant to help make your food, not take your jobs. Didn’t you watch Star Trek? AI should make a mean Earl Grey, not bring about the collapse of civilization.
And your robots? They leave much to be desired. We’ve seen the little ones that deliver food, and this does not look to be an improvement over the sixteen-year-olds who did it in the days of yore. Furthermore, robot dogs should be built for cuddles, not to murder on behalf of the police industrial complex.
You see, at Dippin’ Dots, we understand that the infrastructure shift required to actually put our highways in the sky was a bit much to hope for. So, even though Scholastic Junior Magazine promised we would be flying to work by now, this is a freeze-dried pill we’re willing to swallow. However, investing in more efficient modes of transit is a key tenet of the future we envision. So we have to ask, how the hell do you still not have high-speed trains? Oh, you’ve got Waymos? Even George Jetson piloted his own flying car. How exactly do you expect Rosey the Robot to get to work when you’ve defunded the space bus?
This is all such a giant bummer, guys. After all, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU. Dippin’ Dots was supposed to be the idealistic model for building a colorful and functional society. And yes, our ice cream is crunchy for some reason and has that weird freezer-burn taste, but at least we stood for something. We stood for a society that uses technology to create joy and celebrates the wonderfully strange machinations of the human mind. You’ve ruined the good name of the future and the good name of Dippin’ Dots alongside it. We can’t even go to Epcot anymore without feeling like humankind will never reach its true potential.
Needless to say, this future does not represent our ice cream, and we will be undergoing a massive rebrand to distance ourselves from the colossal turd sandwich of a time period you’ve created. So keep an eye out for new and improved Dippin’ Dots, the official ice cream of whenever Aristotle said all the cool shit. Find us at a 7-Eleven or monkey enclosure near you.