You are eating a pint of ice cream. A humming sound comes from the Abinator wrapped around your waist. Life is a delicate balance, with one act canceling out the other, until we are all perfectly balanced.

Picture the sound of one hand clapping. Now imagine the sound of one mouthwash user gargling. Your halitosis will return unless you compulsively check your breath every five minutes. Now open your eyes. Make sure no one is in front of you. Breathe out. You feel enlightenment, right?

Life is a circle, an arc, a rainbow. Your dog ran away two weeks ago, yet you still have three bags of Kibbles and Bits, waiting for his return. Forget all that stuff I said about rainbows, life is about the abundance of nothingness.

Today you need to let go of the anger you feel toward others. Some things are out of your control, and you must learn to accept that. Other things are firmly in your control, like the way you made a complete ass of yourself at the executive director’s dinner party. Remember, all the healing power in the world can’t repair the damage to the host’s couch. You need to lay off the tequila.

Burn a candle that has a scent reminiscent of a rushing waterfall. See and hear the waterfall in your mind. Pray to the higher power of your choice that the sound of the rushing waterfall will drown out the noise of the people next door having sex. How long has it been since you have had sex, anyway?

Today I will be able to truly comprehend the meaning of love in the universe. I will see it has nothing to do with the fact that I am overweight. Instead, I will accept that it has much more to do with the fact that I don’t make any money.

Sit in the lotus position. See the day before you as a crystal rainbow spectrum, with each color representing an aspect of your day. Violet represents the lack of hot water available in your bathroom. Brown is the color of that spot on the carpet where your dog celebrated his return. Orange is the color of citrus fruits. You need to eat more citrus fruits. Now lean back and pull the covers completely over your head. Ignore the alarm. There. That’s better.