VOWS
By [NAME REDACTED]
January 21, 20251
“Show me what democracy looks like,” chanted Andrew Briggs, then a 19-year-old freshman at the university formerly known as UNC Chapel Hill (now DeVos Private College).
“This is what democracy looks like!” responded Jaime Keller, then a 17-year-old high school senior. They locked eyes, and the rest, as they say, is history.2
Ever since that chance encounter at the Women’s March on Washington on January 21st, 2017, Mr. Briggs and Ms. Keller, now 27 and 25, respectively, have been inseparable. Nearly a decade later, the couple were wed in an intimate ceremony on a balmy and humid January afternoon in a chic warehouse-turned-event-space that once served as a Planned Parenthood3 in District 22-B (previously Bethesda, Maryland).
“We picked January to commemorate the day we met,” explained Ms. Keller.
“And because it’s been the warmest month of the year for the last five years!” added Mr. Briggs, finishing his bride’s sentence in that way that only true soul mates can.
Also in honor of their meet cute, the bridesmaids accessorized their mauve Ivanka jumpsuits with matching pink pussy hats, which Mr. Briggs hand-knitted himself.
“I recognize how lucky I am to have grown up in a time when defying gender stereotypes was encouraged and not illegal,” commented Mr. Briggs, regarding his daring choice to violate Executive Order #56128, aka the Tiny Hands Act, which regulates all leisure activities according to traditional gender roles. “So I figured: what better way to show that than by rediscovering my crafty side?”
The bride also partook in her share of arts, crafts, and activism; the entire bridal party donned protest signs — another nod to the couple’s first meeting — complete with delicate calligraphy, which Ms. Keller painted by hand using government-banned fonts.
“Even a small act of defiance, like writing in Sans Serif, matters,” described Ms. Keller, as Mr. Briggs nodded in agreement. “But no Comic Sans at our wedding, right Andy?”
“Jaime was insistent on that!” laughed Mr. Briggs, whose affection imbued the bride’s cheeks with a healthy glow as she blushed.4
Close family and friends of the couple agree that there is always plenty of laughter shared between the two young lovers.
“I haven’t seen Jaime this happy since she purchased a copper IUD off the black market,” said maid of honor Tara Mulligan. “Or since she ate a taco! We used to eat those every Tuesday together, before they were illegalized.”
The bride’s penchant for exotic foods was evident at the reception as guests dined on sodium-flavored broth and rationed bread while sipping on Soylent™ and carbonated moonshine from plastic champagne flutes.
“We all saved up our rations for months to contribute,” said Benjamin Grigsby, the best man. “We wanted to make this the party of the un-stormy season.”
And a joyous occasion it was! Guests danced to 3 Doors Down and Russian pop music — just in case anyone nearby overheard — played off an iPod shuffle salvaged from the early aughts, and had access to western toilets refurbished from the original Planned Parenthood5 facility.
As for the future, the couple hopes to migrate south of The Wall as soon as their visas arrive.
“I just can’t wait to eat a taco again,” piped Ms. Keller, dreamily. “But for now, I’ll settle for being married.”
The couple is registered at the Bannon National Department Store and is specifically seeking a KitchenAid, silver cutlery, and monogrammed gas masks.
1 Noted as “Year 1 of the 3rd term of His Reign” in print edition.
2 Term appears as “alternative facts” in print edition.
3 Name censored in print edition.
4 Not a symptom of a preexisting condition, such as Rosacea.
5 Name censored in print edition.
PLEASE NOTE: All climate-related terminology (e.g., “un-stormy season”) has been omitted from the print version of this article.