“Active, curious, and exquisitely intelligent, Highland Herding Collies have delighted generations of apartment dwellers with their slow descent into madness due to understimulation. Judging standards require that Highland Herder puppies have their ears and tails docked, and their vocal chords removed before they develop their ability to speak and plead with their owners for something challenging to goddamned do. This is Highland Herding Collie number twelve, Overton Window Fung Wah Poleaxe Graph Paper.”

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“The Austrian Scheissehund is legendary for the extraordinary amount of feces it produces relative to its small size. AKC standards stipulate a height of no greater than twelve inches, and that no less than fifteen percent of the dog’s total surface area consist of anus. This is Austrian Scheissehund number seven, Tittering Fratbro Ungulate Wildfire.”

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“Considered the purist of purebreds, the Queen Victoria Poncy Spaniel has quickly become the country’s favorite breed. A classic Poncy is identified by its distinctive bubbling asthmatic wheeze, extreme sensitivity to light, hemophilia, cognitive impairment, incontinence, and limbs that ideally should be too short for actual locomotion. This is Queen Victoria Poncy Spaniel number three, Sir Popsicle Dribbling Quisling Mallard Oligarch.”

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“Often called the ‘Lipstick Lab,’ the affectionate, gentle-natured Labrador Conceiver is known for entertaining and fascinating children with its almost constant erections. This Lab is a great addition to any household, but parents be warned — you’ll have lots of questions to answer, usually in public! This is Labrador Conceiver number 14, Aldous Canterbury Angleton Raging Big Cock Hardon Boner.”

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“A long-time favorite of European royalty and aristocrats, the German Schmutzmörder was originally bred to hunt Jews for sport. It first became popular here in North America in the 1880s, where it was bred to hunt black people for sport. It’s now considered an excellent family pet — a friendly and playful companion that is especially good with children, unless they’re Jewish or black. This is Schmutzmörder number three, Ventilator Fuckwad Trilateral Commission Ovary.”

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“The Yappy Little Shithead is famed for, you guessed it, being a yappy little shithead. Whatever the hour of day or night, this spirited little shit of a yapping shithead dog won’t shut the fuck up. Acceptable breeds come in both short- and long-haired versions, with the most important quality being the piercing, hysterical nature of its goddamn yapping, from which it never takes a fucking break. This is Yappy Little Shithead number seven, His Jolly Rancher Frijole Aspergers Fry Chef. Let’s go to the judges!”