CHAIRPERSON: All continue to rise! The meeting is now in session. Hello everyone and welcome back, I hope you’re all standing comfortably. Before we begin, I’d like to introduce our newest member, Rachel.
GROUP: Hi, Rachel!
CHAIRPERSON: Rachel’s been through it all — the highs and the lows, the heartache and the back pain. Rachel, why don’t you share your story with the rest of the group?
RACHEL: I was young when I started. Real young. My brother was always doing it around me, so it was only a matter of time before I tried it myself.
MEMBER: Peer pressure and lumbar support are a deadly combination.
RACHEL: I still remember my first time. A Windsor. Elm. Unvarnished.
MEMBER: Oh my God.
RACHEL: I knew it was wrong, but I really looked up to my brother. I mean, at least when he wasn’t sitting down.
RACHEL: By the time high school came around, I was sitting with a bad crowd. We’d cut class and sit for hours. Ledges, tree stumps — we didn’t care.
MEMBER: The wild years.
RACHEL: Eventually I got one of my own. A Vienna No. 14. God how I loved that thing. I’d sit in it for whole afternoons and watch the world pass by. Plus there was a sale on at Crate & Barrel so the price was quite reasonable.
MEMBER: A den of sin!
CHAIRPERSON: Neil, please!
RACHEL: When my father found it he made me sit in it till I went numb. “You think you’re so cool!” he shouted. Then he burned it in the backyard.
MEMBER: If only that could snuff out our passion!
RACHEL: My twenties were a blur. The clubs and the club chairs, the boyfriends and the loveseats. Nothing was off limits.
MEMBER: It’s a slippery slope.
RACHEL: How could I have slipped so far!? Our mom perched on a stool or two in college, sure, but father never so much as leaned against a railing. Next thing you know you’re 38 and half-asleep in a floor model Barcelona chair wondering what the hell happened.
MEMBER: Getting weak at the knees over here.
RACHEL: Things were spiraling out of control. My upright friends stopped coming by. My clothes reeked of upholstery. I was slumping on milk crates, sneaking into pews — anything to get my fix. I knew I hit rock bottom when I sat my bottom on a rock. I thought to myself, “I’ve hit rock bottom,” on account of the rock I was sitting on. So I decided to get help. I dismantled what I could with an Allen key, threw away the rest, and walked into my local Sitters Anonymous.
CHAIRPERSON: Where’s your brother now?
RACHEL: He… he’s in a beanbag.
CHAIRPERSON: You came to the right place, Rachel. We’ll get you back on your feet with a standing desk as soon as possible. Isn’t that right everybody?
GROUP: Stand up against sitting down!
CHAIRPERSON: Well, it looks like we’re out of time. Thanks for coming, gang. In our next meeting, we’ll be discussing second-hand sitting in the workplace, upright ergonomics, and new names for Sitters Anonymous “Chairperson.” That was a really sloppy oversight on our part.