So, you bought an ornamental nut sack. You went ahead and did it. It’s made out of classy teak wood, highlighting the wrinkles and sheen of the typical male scrotum. It was a bold move. And now there’s one question, and one question only: Where do you put it?

You could put your ornamental nut sack in the fruit bowl on top of your table. You could gently rest it between a couple of Harry and David oranges, so people are almost unable to tell what it is, until they take a second look, a million different expressions crossing their face, as they turn to you and say, “Is that an ornamental nut sack?”

“Yes, yes, it is,” you might say.

“And… you bought it?”

“I did,” you say, nodding deeply, avoiding eye contact.

You could use it as a paperweight. It’s definitely heavy enough. Some say there is nothing better to keep receipts and business errata and other whatnots from flying away than a decorative nut sack, one with the carved out grooves and expert detailing that just really gives you a bracing sense of all the characteristics of this celebrated area.

You could put it next to a candle on the mantlepiece above a fire, just rest it there, so that it picks up the flickering light in a most appealing way. So that when people come over for a get-together, one of them might walk up and say, “What’s that?”

“Oh, this?” you might say. “It’s a sandalwood-scented candle.”

“No, no that,” the person might say, “the thing lying against it.”

“Oh,” you might say, looking down and rubbing the back of your neck. “I, I actually don’t know what that is,” you mumble.

“Because it looks like an ornamental nut sack.”

“Nope,” you say, not looking at them.

“Yep,” they say.

“Nope,” you say, glancing around the room.


Then you might look at the person directly and say, with a slightly aloof and challenging air, “I don’t even know what that is.”

“You don’t know what a nut sack is?”

“No, I do,” you say, “but this thing on the mantle, I don’t know what that is, and, which, if you think it’s a nut sack, then that’s fine for you, but the verdict is definitely still out on whether it’s a nut sack or not.”

“It definitely is,” they say. Then they point to the engraving. “It even says ORNAMENTAL NUT SACK on it. It says what it is. It says it’s an ornamental nut sack.”

“Did you want some more egg nog?” you ask.

“Actually, I think I’m going to take off,” says this person, who then goes to grab their stuff.

Then, perhaps you take the nut sack off the mantle, and go into the kitchen and gently put it in the back of a cupboard, next to some old soup spices, and close the door. Because I think we can all agree that that’s where you keep an ornamental nut sack.