Dearest Jewish Employees,

Due to a slew of recent complaints about the upcoming company meeting schedule, this message serves to inform you that the schedule will not be changed. Furthermore, the meetings scheduled to take place on the Jewish High Holy days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur remain mandatory and requests for personal days will be denied.

I know what you’re thinking. Yes, company brass could have looked at a calendar and planned better, and yes, it feels suspicious that this is happening for the 75th consecutive year. Please allow me, Joseph Smith, Senior Chief Head of Public Relations Strategy here at Joe’s Paperweights to set your minds at ease.

For the past 75 years, our company has been an industry leader in preventing important pieces of paper from flying loose. During that time, we have proudly tolerated all religions, even Cheryl’s belief in Tarmooshkapoosh: The One True Lizard God.

The scheduling trouble appears to be a complete and honest coincidence. In order to gain a competitive advantage on the rest of the paperweight industry, Joe’s Paperweights has always operated on the Hebrew lunisolar calendar. It just so happens that the first two days of Tishrei in the year 5779, as well as the ninth and tenth days, perfectly align with Joe’s Paperweights’ planning needs to prepare for the massive paperweight rush that coincides with the first windy days of fall.

Unfortunately, this year fall begins on September 22nd, which, as I’m sure you’re aware, is the day before the 15th of Tishrei, the beginning of your precious Sukkot. As this is our busiest time of year, please be prepared to work longer hours that week and all the way through Simchat Torah on October 1st and 2nd, otherwise known as the 23rd and 24th of your clearly super-special month of Tishrei.

If all this has you feeling particularly blue, remember to be on the lookout for our annual company-wide mass emails celebrating each precious holiday. They’ll feature a GIF of Rachel from accounting’s adorable puppy wearing a yarmulke, guaranteed to make you smile, and our human resources team has promised me the emails will finally be typo-free.

Look, I empathize with missing important life events for work. Frequently, I work long hours on my kids’ birthdays, getting home so late that my family is fast asleep and all signs of a party cleaned up, the scourge of young children purged from my home.

And I know, you’ll say it’s not the same. Missing your High Holy days is more like us Christians having to work on Christmas or Easter, but I assure you that’s not the case. Christmas and Easter are sacred American holidays, not just Christian holidays, tracing back to our country’s roots as a nation that separates church and state only as it is absolutely forced to.

Some of you have argued that Joe’s Paperweights could swap out other holidays that we give off for in exchange for the High Holy days, such as Presidents’ Day or Columbus Day. While I and company brass agree that presidents should not come before God, that sentiment pertains exclusively to ecclesiastical belief, as required by our company’s sacred and sacrosanct bylaws. As for Columbus, he has been a particular inspiration to our current CEO since his days in the scouts.

Those points aside, like I said, the Jewish High Holy days just happen to be necessary planning days to keep Joe’s Paperweights on schedule to accommodate the massive paperweight demand that rushes in with the fierce winds of fall.

Some of you have threatened to resign over this issue. Some of you have openly wondered how a company that only sells paperweights even exists in our modern economy and, existentially, why you work for it.

To the former, I bid you well. To the latter, experience has taught company brass that if you’re stubborn, if you cling to your beliefs no matter what, even if that means convincing people that computers were invented by the devil, rendering digital file storage a pagan conspiracy to steal our souls, then you just might survive.

And you work for us because we offer above industry-average salaries, amazing benefits, and free doughnuts every full moon.

Please reach out with any lingering questions or concerns. Your happiness is of the utmost importance to us here at Joe’s Paperweights. We appreciate your continuing sacrifice to keep this company afloat and may God have mercy on your souls.

Joseph Smith
Senior Chief Head of Public Relations Strategy
Joe’s Paperweights