“Remote work poses risks to physical health.”  —  The Hill

“Swollen eyes, a hunchback, and claw-like hands: What remote-workers will look like by 2100 .” —  The Daily Mail

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Listen, it’s not me, Capitalism, saying you should be in an office under the watchful eye of a boss who controls your time and every move. It’s actual doctors, health experts, and even the World Health Organization who are worried about your sedentary lifestyle, which everyone knows can be improved by sitting in a poorly ventilated office for eight to ten hours a day.

If it were up to me, a “journalist” in this corporate-controlled media conglomerate, I’d be all for you having the healthy work-life balance that remote work has helped you achieve. It’s obvious to anyone paying attention that this remote/hybrid working arrangement has been good for you, your family, and your overall well-being — honestly, you look ten years younger. But it’s not up to me, is it? It’s up to the data, which clearly indicate that people are better off when they’re active, and what’s more active than listening to Simon tell you about his mortgage anxiety as you huddle over the water cooler located fifteen feet from your desk?

Check out this picture of a gargoyle who we’ll call Anna. Notice its gnarled hands. Gaze into its red, swollen eyes, and check out her hunchback. This is you in ten years, pal. But it doesn’t have to be you if you return to the office and give up the remote work, which has allowed you to take walks during the day, eat healthy home-cooked lunches, and do yoga during the Zoom progress report meetings.

Here’s the part where I will point out how using screens can damage your eyes and imply that remote work is somehow responsible for this visual deterioration and not the proliferation of screens themselves and our collective phone addictions. You probably won’t even stop and think about how you stare at a screen much more in an office setting since your boss and coworkers are there, because you’re too weirded out by that gruesome mutant golem Anna.

Natural light is the best thing for human wellness, so your windowless cubicle is probably the best place for you. These ergonomic chairs can help your posture, but they only work when your boss can micromanage your time. I know that makes no sense because wouldn’t an ergonomic chair work just as well at home? But look at this unrelated CDC graph I’ve pasted into this article about how remote work is terrible and be mesmerized by all these magical numbers.

Why are our corporate overlords desperate to get you back in an office? It’s not just that your life is expendable and your value to the system is only ever based on your ability to earn money for them; it’s that a commercial real estate crash is out of the question because most CEOs you serve own those office buildings. How do you expect them to function if they only earn partial income from those leases? Those yachts aren’t going to buy themselves.

Blood clots, migraines, chronic pain, becoming a dybbuk — you’re at risk for all these maladies when you work from home. The solution? Sit in a car for two hours every day for a soul-crushing commute, or perhaps jostle with masses of unhappy workers on sardine-packed trains. However you decide to get to the office is your business, just don’t be late.

Remember the pandemic? That’s the reason people started working from home — it was to protect their health. But now there’s a more significant, more horrible threat to your health, and that threat is working from home. Did you know working from home will lead to almost certain death for every single human being? Whereas working in an office means you’ll probably be immortal. At the very least, the monotony of your days will make them seem as if they’re dragging on endlessly. Wait, stop thinking about that last sentence. Look at this picture of Anna again —isn’t she hideous?

See you in the office at 9 a.m.