Greetings, Earth farmer. We come in peace. Take us to your leader, the one they call Jake from State Farm.

Snake farm? This is not State Farm? Dammit, Todd, I told you to use Google Maps. Where is State Farm? Take us to State Farm.

What do you mean State Farm is not a farm? Then why would they call it State Farm?

What is insurance?

That sounds like a scam.

I’m glad we agree on something, Earth farmer. Now, please, we must speak with the all-powerful Jake from State Farm.

Of course, he is powerful. We see him constantly on your Earth television, laughing and throwing sports balls with Earth celebrities like Aaron from Green Bay, Patrick from Kansas City, and Drake from Toronto.

Wait, Aaron from Green Bay is now Aaron from New York? We love the Giants from New York.

The Jets?!

Sorry to hear that. We are thankful we don’t have Achilles heels. We don’t even have heels.

Anyway, on with the taking us to your leader.

Look, we do not have time for Joe from Washington. We know Jake from State Farm is your true leader. Have you seen him? He would be wearing Earth’s ultimate power pants, the ones they call khakis.

Really? All stylish humans have khakis? Do you have khakis?

I mean, sure, if you never wear them. It would be a great honor to wear your Earth khakis.

These are fantastic. I feel more powerful already. Don’t you feel more powerful, Todd? Thanks, Earth farmer. Now that we are pleated, stain-resistant, and wrinkle-free, we may curry favor with Jake from State Farm.

Yes, please do call State Farm for us.

I just speak into this end? Okay, got it. Yes, hello, Jake from State Farm, what an honor to finally speak with—

Tonya? Listen, Tonya from State Farm, we must speak with Jake from State Farm.

Of course, he’s a real person. We see him all the time on Earth television. He used to be pale-skinned and gave secret telephone advice late at night, and now he is darker-skinned and throws sports balls with Patrick from Kansas City. He is a powerful shapeshifter. Have you seen him at your farm? He could be any shape. He could be sports-ball-shaped. He wears khakis.

Everyone on State Farm wears khakis?

It just seems like jeans would be more practical for farming.

Then WHY, for the love of Xarg, is it called State Farm?

No, I have not considered term life insurance.

Well, yes, I have thousands of dependents.

Look, Tonya from State Farm, we can discuss securing the near-infinite, pan-dimensional futures of my multitudinous spawn another time. Right now, we really just need to speak with Jake from State Farm.

Your manager? Is your manager Jake from State Farm?

Okay, yes, I’ll hold, but I want to make sure you’re connecting me with Ja—

She cut me off. Can you believe that—HOLY XARG, THERE’S A GIANT SNAKE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

Just a friendly garden snake? Oh, thank Xarg.

Right, right, you did mention this was a snake farm like five hundred words ago.

I’m okay, no, I don’t need to pet your snake. I do love this hold music, though. Is this Drake from Toronto?

Ah, Kenny from Seattle. I’ll look him up on Spotify.

Yes, Tonya from State Farm, I’m still here.

Do you know when he’ll be back on the farm?

Yes, if I must, I will leave a message for Jake from State Farm.

Well, just tell him that we stopped by and we come in peace, and we’d really love to speak with him soon about how we come in peace. Also, say hi to Aaron and Patrick and Drake from assorted Earth cities for us, and I guess, yeah, call us back when you can, buddy.

Oh, and thanks for the khakis.