Provenance is the single most important consideration when deciding between brands of fish oil pills. Remember when your mother asked which part of England your Australian girlfriend was from? Do your research. I exclusively use caplets from deep-sea anchovies. Fish that swim east to west have a higher piss content and are generally considered inedible in the State of California. Use caution when buying supplements via auction, as Chinese phone bidders can be extremely aggressive. Don’t be shy and ask questions like, “Do you know who I am?” and shout “I didn’t go to Princeton for this!” in the health food aisle. I recommend caplets scented with lemon, which controls the urge to belch and to listen to The Eagles in a stolen Porsche.

Taking fish oil pills is an extremely personal choice. Don’t antagonize loved ones with your decision to take a Nordic approach to your diet. Would you suggest to a neighbor that she paint her house a different color? Or recommend that she swallow ecstasy at Señor Frogs? Or tell a coworker that because you met your Russian girlfriend selling used Ray-Bans on Craigslist anyone can do it? It’s easier to discuss fish oil with family rather than friends, especially when you’ve recently stolen tractor gasoline from their garage. After you’re done breathalyzing them, ask your kids at the dinner table what they think about dietary supplements. You will be surprised how honest sober children are. Now, reach down and touch your toes. Do this eighty-five times until you sweat entirely through your velour jumpsuit. Good, now you’re listening. Let’s discuss the health benefits.

Memory retention is something studied by pricks and scientists alike. Do you find yourself saying, “Did we really drive all the way up to New Hampshire just to look at the leaves?” or “Margaret, was that a Sancerre we drank last night?” or “Where did I leave my duck calls?” These are three perfect examples of an omega-3 deficiency. I had a habit of knocking over toothpick jars at TGI Fridays for years until I started my regimen.

Vision is something that you will hopefully enjoy for the majority of your life. Macular degeneration is not something to be trifled with, especially after it has been drinking straight gin. Believe it or not, exchanging a fish oil caplet for that cigarette or that high-risk sex with the coat check girl can add several years to your longevity. The oils penetrate your pupils via the cerebral cortex. That’s a fancy way of saying that you’re not going to get what you want for Christmas unless you stop feeding the dog peanut butter.

From a religious standpoint, fish oil is promoted across a wide range of belief systems. The ancient Greeks, touchstone pagans, squeezed oils out of dorados with their bare feet. Millions still flock to the annual Grecian Fish Stomp festival in Athens. In modern Rome, we can observe young Catholics chewing oceanic gum and smoking fish cigarettes in between attempts to destabilize the government. Even Hinduism mentions fish oil in their How-to Guide to Scrapbooking Stoned. Let’s not forget that Jesus took perfectly potable wine and turned it into fish for several beggars. His diet is well-documented.

Mercury is the greatest caveat for anyone wishing to add fish oil to his or her diet. Consider mercury poisoning as a childhood best friend who moved away to Canada to make small-batch Maple syrup. You hardly know it’s there until it calls you at five a.m. high on cocaine from a payphone outside Ottawa. You laugh it off at first, and then you find yourself firing off pistol blanks at trick-or-treaters from the master bedroom of your in-laws’ house. Take a minute from repairing your Camaro to check the bottle in your medicine cabinet for the golden Mercury-Free Seal. You’ll be glad you did. Then, continue throwing a full dinner plate against the dining room wall because your son quit baseball.

With a few minutes of research and a trip to your favorite health-conscious retailer, you’ll be well on your way to actualizing the benefits of fish oil. Take off your dog grooming gloves and give yourself a pat on the back. Reading this article is only a start. The web is loaded with venues to share your dietary war stories, arrange an illicit encounter with an enthusiast, and of course sell your stool to collectors around the world. Finally, use common sense. If you notice any side effects such as drinking from birdbaths, walking backwards through the grocery store, or laughing at funerals, please consult your family pediatrician immediately.