“Last week, in a case that ended in a mistrial, Bill Cosby avoided a guilty verdict on charges that he drugged and molested a woman. At least 50 other women have accused Cosby of sexual assault. Now, according to Cosby’s spokesperson, the comedian ‘wants to get back to work’ by hosting a series of seminars about sexual assault.” — Teen Vogue, June 23, 2017
Hey, hey, hey! Thank you for signing up for Bill Cosby’s upcoming seminar on protecting yourself from false allegations of sexual assault. Whether you’ve drugged a woman and had sex with her while she’s unconscious, or raped someone behind a dumpster after a party, you deserve to get on with your life without consequence. Our seminar will help you do just that with the 5 A’s of surviving sexual assault allegations…
So much training focuses on consent and not perpetrating sexual assault in the first place. Our seminar is different. You’ll learn that what is even more important than not perpetrating sexual assault is to make sure you are prepared to protect yourself from the consequences of the assault you perpetrated. We’ll help you change your mindset about rape and sexual violence so you can focus on what matters: Doing whatever you want and getting away with it.
Oops! Did you accidentally confess to a crime on tape? You’ll learn how to destroy your accuser’s character so thoroughly that by the end of your trial you will seem upstanding and righteous in comparison.
Need a character witness? Be your own character witness. We will examine Dr. Huxtable through the lens of creating a self of impeccable character to distract the public from your evil actions. From there, you’ll begin to create your own alter ego. Topics will include volunteering, attending church, and inserting yourself into other community-building events.
We’ll teach you ways to get your significant other to stand by you in the midst of rape allegations and even strut happily into your rape trial as if she were attending a cast party for The Cosby Show. On top of that, we’ll also help you come up with talking points specific to your case that your allies can use to support you and discredit your accuser.
You’ll learn to refer to yourself accurately, as the victim of a horrible injustice. Remember, the person you had sex with is either pretending they didn’t want it or deserved it. She became your perpetrator when she made these false allegations. Your perpetrator probably has the audacity to call herself a “victim.” You will learn how to take back that word and embody it with pride. Once you have emerged from your ordeal without consequence, you’ll be a true survivor.
Your registration fee also includes a hand-embroidered VICTIM badge, a signed Fat Albert canvas tote bag, and your choice of eBook, either When ‘No’ Doesn’t Mean ‘No’ or Is She Asking For It? Deciphering Female Body Language. Most importantly, you’ll come away from our seminar with a newfound dignity as you break free of the guilt and shame that belongs to your accuser and only your accuser — just as Bill Cosby has managed to do over fifty fucking times.