Hello, Mr. Ambassador. Thank you for sitting down with me at this Fuddruckers to negotiate a treaty to disarm your country’s chemical weapons.
I know we’ve both made enormous sacrifices to get to this point, and the world is following the outcome of this conversation, but I had already signed up to do a hot wings eating challenge at the exact same time as this negotiation, so I’ll be tucking into this basket of fuego while we talk treaty.
(Tucks paper napkin into shirt collar. Really gets the napkin tucked down in there good. This napkin isn’t coming out any time soon.)
Mr. Ambassador, you mentioned a preferred timeline for surrendering the 1,300 tons of military-grade sarin gas…
(Takes the first bite of a hot wing. Tons of sauce to lip contact.)
WHOOP! These get ya in the throat!
(Coughs uncontrollably for a full minute. Other Fuddruckers patrons look on, concerned. A waitress stops by, and then a manager.)
All good over here, Ambassador. Thanks for asking, though. Now, if you agree to disarm the chemical weapons stockpile within nine months, we’ll agree to no airstrikes.
(Munches another wing, then chugs water extremely loudly.)
Excellent, I’m glad we could agree on that timeline. Now, can you pass me your glass of water? This is exactly how John Kerry writes treaties, by the way. And trust me, I always sweat a lot during treaty stuff. I’m just really passionate about diplomacy.
(Sweating from cheeks now, which is medically remarkable. Clears off another wing anyway.)
Let’s talk about the seven-day deadline for revealing the location of every chemical weapons facility within your borders.
(Drums on the table with sauce fists. His face is now mostly hot sauce and there’s lots of mouth breathing.)
I’d like to get third-party UN officials on the ground to audit your list of chemical weapons sites, and maybe we could take a quick five right now so that we can wipe our tongues with napkins.
What do you mean, “no”? Oh, just to the UN officials thing. That’s fine. I just really need more napkins.
(Shreds through a few napkins, then removes paper napkin bits from his tongue.)
Treaty negotiations use a lot of napkins, huh? The real trick to treaty writing, though, is not licking your lips too much. I learned that from John Kerry.
(Uses a corner of the treaty to dab the remaining hot sauce off his face.)
I think we’ll also need to take your warheads for this to get approval from the UN Security Council, but we should be fine as long as we can keep the Western countries on our side.
(Burps and a little stuff comes up, then eats another wing and does the robot while seated to distract from the yowie-wowie levels of spicy face.)
Listen, I couldn’t be prouder of the work we’re doing here today, Mr. Ambassador, and I’d shake your hand right now if I could see you, hear you, or feel my fingers, because we both know what’s at stake with these negotiations: ensuring the safety of millions of citizens, and an oversized, screen-printed novelty Fuddruckers T-shirt. As John Kerry once told me, those are the two surest ways to leave a legacy.
No, thank you for this negotiation meeting, Mr. Ambassador. We may be months away from a finalized treaty but…
(Stands up, winded.)
I wouldn’t trade what we’ve done here today for anything.
(Holds up an oversized, screen-printed novelty Fuddruckers T-shirt.)
Not for a goddam thing.